Tag: parenting tips

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For Mothers

For Mothers: Always Available?

Are we meant to be always available?

When my mother raised her two daughters, my sister and I, she occasionally commented that she didn’t get to go to the bathroom on her own…

It was quite true, especially of me, that I’d follow her anywhere — even into the bathroom. She had limited privacy. 

Looking back, I realise she was very accommodating. I’ve not been a much, but then, I have a son.

Boundaries

Everyone needs to set boundaries. What limits do we choose to place on our family time, our privacy  time. It is important we do.

For me, my boundary for my son is more open than for any other human being. Perhaps it is because he’s relatively private and I’m so delighted whenever he wants to share. Perhaps it is my unashamed favouritism toward my only birth child. Perhaps it’s because I am happy to engage and value engagement with him over anyone else because he is my child. 


I have decided to make myself available. I’m happy to do it. There are rare occasions where I simply have to say, “not right now” for some reason: I’m on a business phone call, I’m in the bathroom, I’m on my way to catch a train.

Whatever boundaries we might set for our children, I think consistency is important so they learn to gauge when we are interruptible and when we’re not. They learn it at school with teachers, they’ll need to learn it with employers. They’ll need to establish their own in their personal and family relationships. 

We need to be available for our children. We need to set boundaries. I think so long as we’re there for them, and they know we are, and so long as we’re as consistent as we can be, I think whatever availability we can manage and maintain our own sense of rhythm and peace of mind, it’s a good way to relate.

Giving our children a sense of value and importance will develop and that will build in them confidence and assurance that they are loved. And that is the best and most important sense we can give them. Love is the most important message to give our children, and our time and attention — with healthy boundaries — will give them that.

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For Mothers

For Mothers: Remember to be Thankful (a poem for reflection)

“Thankful”
I don’t deserve to be this happy
I never knew such bliss
I had no idea
Motherhood would be like this.

You gaze upon my every move
With wide-eyed anticipation
‘What is going to happen next?’
Always positive expectation.

And as you grow, I’ll always know
Your every move and thought;
A good boy, sweet and kind
I’ll never be distraught.

Amazing how we know so much
Of who the heart-child is.
To raise him into that pure light
The challenge: that’s the biz.

I don’t deserve to be this happy
‘Ever-after’ my trust will be
For all this world could offer
Nothing compares with ye!

© Sarah Tun
2005

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For Mothers

For Mothers: Free from Shame

For Mothers: No Shame

We all make mistakes. This is about how to live free from shame.

There’s no shame in being human, being fallible, being imperfect — because we all are. It is part of being human.

If you’re thinking of something in particular right now, you probably feel shame about it. Don’t brush it aside. If you’re in a public place, maybe stop reading for now, and come back to this when you have a private time, a private space.

The very best thing to do with anything you regret, any shame you feel, is to look it straight in the eye, say you’re sorry about it, and forgive yourself.

For our Children

When you do that for yourself, then, when your own child makes a mistake, a big mistake, you won’t shame them, nor will you allow them to get away with it (because if they brush it aside, they will either then learn to do wrong repeatedly, or they will learn to walk in shame, thinking they are stuck in it — which is like a ball and chain!)

You will be able to help them face their own mistake straight in the eye, with the tenderness you gave yourself. You will be able to help them to say s/he is sorry. You will be able to encourage them to forgive themselves. 

We all need to learn more about walking in healthy responsibility for our mistakes, but healed — without living in shame — because we are simply aware of our humanity, our vulnerability, our mistakes, and our forgiveness.

Blessings to you:) 

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For Mothers

For Mothers: take heart

For Mothers: Take Heart

Take heart in the good times and in the bad

The bad makes the light shine brighter on the good.

Take heart in the knowing you’ve done your best

For the little one (or big one) to shine their best.

Take heart when the weather outside is rough

Knowing you can take the storms just like you can take the peace.

Take heart in knowing you’re their mum, you’re what they’ve got

And you’ve been given a gift because you have love in your heart.

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For Mothers

For Mothers: Co-dependency

Co-dependency 

It is a label that’s been around for decades but co-dependency isn’t really discussed amongst every day folk. It’s a sort of relationship where one or both is/are emotionally dependent on the other in an unhealthy way, binding the two in such a way that one or both are tied so that any change, development in the other person is seen as a threat, a break-away, and it therefore not encouraged or even stifled.

The relationship is steeped in insecurity, on the part of one or both parties, so that control is at the heart of the relationship and any veering from the emotional connection knitting the two people together causes distress, aggression, anxiety, possessiveness or threat one against the other. 

That’s my definition. 

AI puts it this way

Codependency (often spelled “co-dependency”) is a behavioural and emotional pattern in which one person (the codependent) excessively relies on another person for their sense of self-worth, identity, or emotional well-being — usually while enabling that person’s dysfunctional or unhealthy behaviour. (Grok)

Consequences of Co-dependency

In the most benign way, it causes one or both persons to modify their behaviour toward the other in order to keep the peace. Neither person then is truly free to be themselves. 

Co-dependency in families

As a child is growing up, they need to be enabled to break away from the parents. This can be done in a healthy way, if the child feels free to do so; if they feel loved and appreciated, they are more likely to draw away more amiably. If they feel stifled, they either won’t break away at all (which is unhealthy in that it causes them to suppress their independence, not allowing them to become their own person). Or they may break away aggressively, to overcome the feeling of being controlled. Either way, the child is miserable, frustrated and either stifled and squashed on the one hand, or angry and rebellious on the other.

As parents, we want our children to flourish 

As our children grow, we give them more room to make their own decisions and encourage them to think independently. At the same time, of course we want to show them our love, and to keep them safe from any harm. Today, as the world spins, we are all challenged more and more in the area of freedom v safety.

Inter-dependence rather than co-dependence

My aim as a parent — even as a friend to anyone — is to nurture a sense of reliability between myself and the other person, a consistency of love and acceptance, mutual respect and appreciation. This is a sort of inter-dependence, where we can rely on one another, encourage one another, be honest with each other, yet not hinge our own sense of identity or self worth on the basis of what the other person thinks of us.

Contemplate

As we look in ourselves, as parents, can we let go control of our children in suitable age-relevant intervals and encourage our children to think for themselves? Once we’ve taught them our values and the social contract (ie how to live in a law biding way within our society) to our children, can we let them navigate based on the set of values, opinions, and interests they are developing themselves? And can we celebrate with them the healthy choices they make, whether we agree or disagree with them? As we let go, we will most likely discover they are more nervous about their independence than we are for them. Respecting them as they go forward, and being available when they fall backward (and let’s face it, everybody makes and loses ground from time to time), can we be there to show respect, encouragement and love no matter what? That will make for a healthy, wholesome and lasting bond.

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For Mothers

For Mothers: Pick your Battles

Some issues matter more than others. As mothers, we need to pick our battles wisely, choosing which corrections to make or which principles to stand on. What will matter most in the long run is what we need to stand on — in the present.

We can get embroiled in arguments with our offspring, or be called to referee arguments between siblings. Whichever the case, there is nothing urgent that cannot be sorted sensibly over a short break: a breather, a 10-count, a pause to reflect. Decisions made in a hostile moment are seldom best decisions.

And through the maize of high strung arguments, wilful resistance, or tears of frustration, will lie the best solutions for our child after… a short pause.

Measuring Priorities

Not all battles really matter. Sometimes the lesson is for our child to learn no really does mean “no, absolutely not!”, or wait, really does mean “in time the best way ahead will show itself”. On the other hand, if we make everything a “no” or a “wait” our child will get frustrated or will be stunted in their ability to make their own decisions confidently.

If we resist every request, they’ll be frustrated; if we always give in, they’ll have no boundaries. (Boundaries are protective and indicate to our child we care.) We need to be wise about how often we concede and when we are unable to compromise. 

What are your red lines?

There are specific things you cannot agree with because of your own principles, or wisdom, or finances. When we stick to those, and by explaining to the child you can’t bend or you’ll be broken, they’ll understand. If they’re too young to understand the philosophy, they won’t be too old to simply have to accept that it’s what Mummy knows is best for them.

Compromise

Practicing negotiation (rather than arguing) is most productive. Siblings can use it to learn how best to share responsibility and to share the enjoyment of play. Negotiating with your child will build your communication and is a great skill — and one they’ll probably master better than you!

But to compromise your values or your principles, or on what is considered safe by most standards, isn’t wise, because it makes us surrender our parenting rights and our parenting wisdom to someone who is still a vulnerable child (even if at 14, they are 6:2”!). Regardless of how skilled and clever a debater they might be, they lack the wisdom of experience.

We can’t control their interests and desires, but we can ensure they stay within the safe, legal, and moral limits you are teaching them. That way, your conscience is at peace… and they discover and develop theirs.

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For Mothers

For Mothers: Ancient Paths

Ancient Paths

There are ancient paths. These are old — very old — ways of thinking and doing things that are tried and true. Remember when there was a set bedtime growing up? Or there were particular rules in your household, like meal times, play spaces, or ways to show respect to adults?

We’ve thrown away many tried and true ways in exchange for modernity and trendiness. Our children play outside less, and with other children less too. Children no longer walk to school or carry a lunch pack. These are perhaps relatively trivial things, just as standing for the national anthem or saying the Lord’s Prayer in school every morning are considered trivial and it is much better to have an assembly with a funny story or a funny person presenting.

But what have we lost? Sound and good ways of parenting, living, learning, growing. 

What is the evidence? Children on the whole, are less happy, less emotionally healthy, less confident and less safe in our world today than they were in bygone decades.

We need to rekindle old flames

By “old flames”, I don’t mean old love romances — unless you perceive romance as a lovely way to interact, reflect, and live with others around you.

We need to rekindle old ways of thinking that have always worked. For example, eating together is a way that has been tested as a way of holding communication and family relationship together.

We need to live walking along the old, the ancient paths of life in order to raise healthy, secure, happy children.

Some Ancient Paths:

i “No means no” 

ii “The child is the father of the man”

iii “It is better to face fear than to run from it”

iv “The family that prays together, stays together”

v “Hardship builds character”

vi “Speak the truth in love”

These are a few adages that come from an older way of thinking than that of today.

Hard work produces character. Character produces maturity. Maturity produces confidence. Confidence produces a healthy, happy, productive human being in society.

Will you contemplate these ancient paths? 

Will you consider walking along along an ancient path? Will you consider choosing one or two of these pathways ways of living, engaging with them and putting them into practice as you grow your family? 

And may you have plenty of fun as you discover values which might be old and yet, they are new to your family!

Lots of love,

Sarah

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For Mothers

For Mothers: Calming the Storm

When hearts break, calm the storm.

When pain arises, calm the storm.

When injury — inside our out — happens, calm the storm.

Calming the Storm is our duty as mothers.

Calming the Storm is a necessity for re-assurance.

Calming the Storm through loving assurances, interjections of hope and courage, and big hugs, helps our children (and ourselves) to walk through the tough times, no matter how hard. We can calm the storm simply by ignoring the storm; but even better, acknowledging the storm yet rising above — that is the stuff of heroes and heroines. Teaching our children we will persevere through the storm, that’s what gives them the ability to press through adversity. 

And it’s what books are made of: Going on a Bear Hunt teaches,

You can’t go over it.

You can’t go under it.

You can’t go around it.

You’ve got to go through it!

When we teach our children life is full of fun, they learn joy, laughter and delight. 

When we teach our children life is full of challenge, they learn perseverance, integrity and hope. 

In life, we need fun, but we also need challenge, to make us the best possible people we can be. 

So, when the storms come, as mothers, we bring calm to it, and help our children to grow into the resilient and incredible people they were born to be.

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For Mothers: managing chaos

Keep Calm and Carry On

I didn’t grow up in Britain but arrived here as a student visitor in 1991. 

One of the things I discovered in my first year here, about the British character, was the characteristic of “keeping calm and carrying on”.

On the basis that this trait helps us face, work through, and overcome pressure, this is something our children can learn and benefit from; although expressing feelings is important to our health, so too is learning how to overcome pressure and stress, and it is a valuable life skill. It is an important part of personal development.

Patience

I did my best as a parent of a young child but on reflection, I wish I’d been more patient. Looking back over 20 years, I’m sure I could have been more patient in times of tension, and better able to help my child through times of stress.

In spite of my imperfection, my son has grown up to be a level-headed person with self control. He does, I think, have that British characteristic to “keep calm and carry on”. There’s a lot to be said for the positive influence from environment, culture and education. He’s a patient person.

So, my message today is to encourage our children to persevere, but do so with patience yourself. Find it, and apply it, and your child will be happier and more able to succeed. Whether he’s 5 tying his shoes, or she’s 15 doing her hair in some remarkable style, help to make the job easier for them but relaxing as they try. 

Building confidence in our children

And smile. 

Patience and a smile go a long way to building confidence and a “can-do” persevering nature in our children. If we keep calm and carry on, guess what!? So will they. And in my case, somehow even though I haven’t managed it until relatively recently, my son learned — through his father, through his environment, through his culture, through his determination to overcome stress — how to keep calm in chaos and not to sweat the small stuff either!

Blessings, 

Sarah

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For Mothers

For Mothers: What a Surprise!

What if your child comes home with a very strange idea?

Don’t panic!

Don’t say “No!”

Smile.

Love. Look. Listen.

Encourage truth, integrity, honesty, kindness, compassion

If your son or daughter’s “surprise” will draw them toward selfishness, cruelty, obsession, anger and fury, then it isn’t the “surprise” that is the problem but rather, something significant is probably really bothering him or her. 

If you panic, they’ll likely dig in their heels and you won’t find out what is at the root of the turn in your child.

If you object without listening, they’ll take it personally and either dig in and rebel or surrender and lose a part of their personal ambition and motivation. But if you listen, you are probably doing the very thing they need most. Usually a huge shift is a cry for help. Or a cry to be noticed. A big shift indicates an attempt to become independent. So, help them to be independent — yet safe — in stages. 

Help them to consider the consequences of this big shift

Can you engage in a conversation that will help flush out the aim of this shift?

– Where did this idea come from? Or from whom did it come?

– Does your child hope to develop new friendships through this initiative? 

– Does he/she want to make an impact in the world?

– Has he/she just discovered some people don’t have the same benefits or privileges they do, and they want to help? 

Can you suggest the possible outcomes of this shift? Be as positive as you can be whilst still being as honest. Be encouraging about their idea, and about their aim and independence, but if you’re concerned, why not share that too (once you’ve had a good bit of the listening part of the conversation) and urge them to remember their responsibilities that must be maintained through the change: such as education, loyalty to friends, health-and-fitness.

If your child has a strange idea, it isn’t perhaps strange to them

At some point, your child is going to have a desire, an interest, or a passion outside your expectation. This is a positive, as they seek to develop their own identity. Let’s celebrate with them their ambition, their courage, their ingenuity — while guiding them to balance their enthusiasm with safety and responsibility. 

We all have talents and I believe we are meant to use them. And yet, we also have responsibilities to fulfill. Encouraging our children to find a healthy, realistic balance is something we can do to build them up and to help them grow in responsibility as well.

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For Mothers

For Mothers: Holiday Season

Holiday Breaks in Holiday Season

I was just away for a couple of days with family. It’s the holiday season. The lovely visit I had prompts this post today.

From my point of view

When we go on holiday, let’s avoid the phone more than as much as possible. It interferes, it makes demands on me. Yes, I do answer the phone if I’m not on an actual holiday but just taking a day out with family. Yes, I’ll send a message on a weekday when on a break, but… I want to put children, family, relaxation, time together: FIRST. That’s my strong aim.

I had a call yesterday (several actually) which I kept short. Polite, short and “I will get back to you” were the messages, and they were equally received with grace and politeness.

No one died! 

The children I was with had my attention. And that was just as it ought to be.

Happy Easter break everyone. The main is finished but there are a few days left (in the UK anyway). Let’s make it as memorable, as fun, as bonding as we can.

Sarah

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For Mothers: respect v care

I firmly believe that from any age above 3 we need to develop a kind of respect for our children, an age appropriate respect.

This does not mean we allow our children to run roughshod over us or the household, in the name of respecting their agency or their creativity. They need to learn discipline as much as they need encouragement to express themselves. 

Perhaps that’s why I used the age of 3 rather than 2. I confess it’s random, but I think as I continue, you’ll get the basic idea….

Our children are not a shadow of ourselves

Each human being has his own DNA, her own chromosomal makeup. We receive from our parents but the very fact that our makeup comes from 2 people means we are not the same as either of them. And so, between nature (DNA) and nurture (how we are raised and our experiences) we develop our own unique personality and our own special character.

Children need boundaries

Absolute freedom causes despair: confusion, fear, anxiety, responsibility overload and a sense of abandonment can arise when our children have too much liberty.

On the other hand, too much restriction inhibits development. 

So, as parents we are always evaluating and assessing what limitations to put on our children for their own safety and development verses how much freedom to give them so they can explore, learn how to make decisions, and grow as healthy human beings in society.

The boundaries get wider the older our children grow. Boundaries are a sign of love and care. Moveable boundaries are a sign of respect and encouragement.

If we keep in mind these two contesting forces: respect and care, measured by flexibility within boundaries, we may make mistakes, but we are working towards enabling our children to develop to maturity — safely and fully.

Food for thought for our children at any age.

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For Mothers: Role Model

Children watch. They learn from watching. The best way we can teach our children is to model the behaviour we want them to exhibit and live with the attitude we want them to inhabit.

What are you teaching your child about: Love, Joy, Peace (of mind), Goodness to others, Kindness towards others, Gentleness, Faithfulness to family, whatever your perception of GOD is, your nation, yourself, Patience, Self-Control? Words matter. But behaviour matters more!

If I want love, I need to be more loving. If I want others to be patient with me, I need to be more patient with others…. You get the idea?

We can preach and we can teach — and sometimes we need to use words to convey what is important.

But the clearest message we give to our children is through our own behaviour.

I’m learning all the time. I hope my sharing with you is helpful:)

Blessings,

Sarah

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For Mothers

For Mothers: teaching choices

Recently, I was speaking to a family member and heard, “I didn’t feel like it…” Around the same time, heard another person, a relative stranger, echo the same, “I didn’t feel like it.”

I believe we need to teach our children to make good decisions, not merely based on what we “feel like” but also based on what is healthy, or wise, or leading to a long-term good. 

“Feel” is impulsive. “Feel” is not rational. Sometimes it is absolutely essential that we make spontaneous decisions based on what might be fun in the moment or what would keep the peace in the family — a feel good decision, one way or another. 

But as a default, what we “feel like” isn’t a particularly good basis for decision-making. It’s unreliable. What if our feelings change the next day or the next week (and they are bound to). 

Solid decision-making considers long term goals or long term relationships. They are strategic, and often they are based on “what might come next if…” — by looking ahead at the positive or negative outcomes a particular decision might lead to, we can make more considered choices.

How to help our children with decision-making

My first effort to encourage effective decision making was from the time my son was about two years old. “Would you like this one? Or that one?” Gave him a chance to make a decision based on the parameters I wanted him to have. Rather than an argument about whether he could have X or not, I would instead give him A or B to choose from.

As our children grow, they will watch how we arrive at decisions and make our choices.

I think the main thing is to be aware of what we hope to achieve and make a decision toward that end. 

We make mistakes; our children will make mistakes. The main thing is to try to make the best decisions we can based on: 

i) the information we have at the time and 

ii) the goals or outcomes we are aiming to achieve.

Encouraging positive goals

As we help our child to mature, we encourage values and goals that are healthy for them — embracing their own interests and talents, encouraging realistic desires and ambitions. With the goals, it’s important to look at steps that will offer opportunities toward the fulfilment of those goals. For example, if a child aims for the Olympics, s/he needs to develop sport skills, and the opportunity to train, to engage and to compete is important. If a child wants to be a musician, s/he needs an opportunity to develop skills and apply the rigour of practice….

Finally, if a child has a goal, a balance between rest and pursuit is important. On the one hand, giving up has a consequence; if s/he doesn’t “feel like” working out on a particular day, s/he also needs to consider how important his/her long term goal is compared to what s/he wants to do today that might be in conflict with the long term plan. Children need to learn there is a cost to pursuit and there is a cost to giving up. Balance is important. 

There is hard work required in order to achieve excellence. This will suit some children but not others. The goal should never, in my view, take precedence over mental health, physical health, or a social life with peers. Decisions will matter when one has a serious goal. But the goal shouldn’t get in the way of life.

Setting the stage for a healthy life

We want the best for our children: a healthy lifestyle with friends and work and play. How is this developed? With thoughtful consideration and balance. 

Let’s not take anything for granted but let’s teach our children how to make decisions based not on “what they feel like”. Rather, let’s help our children to consider their goals and their current needs and to find a balance so that they are neither driven nor lethargic. One child’s desire will be another’s hell. Let’s help our children learn to listen to their hearts, not their whims, and aim for fulfilment in the long term while enjoying reaching toward that aim in healthy steps along the way. 

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For Mothers: No to Ridicule

This message may be a wee bit strigent; but I feel so strongly about this…

Ridicule has no place in a home. As parents, we need to say firmly, no to ridicule. Older siblings may do it; we may be so infuriated that we’re tempted to do it. But ridicule scars and so there’s no place for it.

In the streets, in school

Kids can be really mean to each other. They can say nasty things. Uninhibited by decorum in their young years, they can lash out or say things because they feel threatened, embittered or embarrassed. But there is no excuse for ridiculing someone else.

What do I mean by ridicule?

The intent to make fun of someone in public, making yourself look grander as a result, or to simply humiliate a person is what it is to “ridicule”.

According to Grok (X’s AI tool): ridicule = the intent to humiliate, embarrass, or lower social status by exaggerating or distorting the person targeted… for their behaviour, appearance, beliefs or words. It is deliberate, targeted and to my mind, just plain mean. I think it is often a strategy used to make oneself of “bigger” status by making another person “smaller” than they really are.

There is no place for it at home

The safest place for anyone should be their own home. 

Whether it is an adult’s home — a haven and a place of respite from work or the stress of life; or a child’s home — a refuge from the difficult parts of school and social life, home is the place where one can most relax, most be our natural self, most feel secure with the other people who live there.

Ridicule in the home removes that sense of safety and love. To make someone seem ridiculous is to strip away their safe place. Ridicule should not be used and should be reprimanded in the clearest of terms.

And if you can think of a time when, out of sheer frustration, you may have mocked or made fun of your child — apologise: wholeheartedly, uncompromisingly, humbly. It may be that you can restore some of your child’s trust or personal dignity through your apology. It may take time. But a sincere apology for damage done is the best way forward to restoring the relationship you want with your child, and the personal dignity you want your child to have.

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For Mothers: Keep Looking Forward

We learn from our mistakes and it’s important to reflect from time to time. But in the grand scheme of things, I think it’s really important to keep looking forward…

Keep looking forward to how we can be more loving.

Keep looking forward to precious moments to enjoy time with our children.

Keep looking forward at the new chance for our child to thrive.


Keep looking forward to the next report card, match, or concert, where our child has shown improvement. 


Keep looking forward to the next birthday, or Christmas, or Easter, when we’ll have more opportunity to share with our children what it means to move forward: to live, to love, laugh, learn new things and enjoy new people and new experiences.

Yes, we need to be aware of what’s been, sometimes… to see how far we’ve come! 

And then we look forward again to our aspirations and hopes for the future.

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For Mothers: The Value of Journaling

Have you ever kept a journal?

I grew up in Canada. I don’t know if “Dear Diary” was ever a thing in Britain, but it was certainly a big deal when I was growing up. Canada and the United States were full of little girls pouring their hearts out, their deepest secrets, to their confident diary. We see it in teen films, when the little sister or the big brother grabs the diary and humiliation ensues if the sibling decides to embarrass or tattle on the writer. 

Do you know the value of journaling?

I kept a diary. I started when I was nine, and wrote quite consistently until I was about 14. Although when I started I wrote about events, like a time table journal, it quickly morphed into talking about my feelings: about this boy, or that girl, about my deepest feelings as a child. 

Eventually, I stopped, exchanging journalling with sharing with friends.

But I re-started as an adult, when I realised that writing is therapeutic. Stream of consciousness is a great exercise for writers. But it is also of benefit to anyone psychologically. To write is, I suppose, similar to creating a work of fine art or a piece of music: it is an expression of our moods, our thought processes, taking the emotions out of us and putting them beyond us to inspect and perhaps to overcome.

I recommend journaling

Spending a little time alone with our thoughts is a very helpful way of letting go of stress. It also helps us to process our feelings. 

Journaling — and then looking back over it some months later — will reveal profound moments we might otherwise not have realised.

It can help us to make decisions

I’m contemplating moving. I’d really like to but it hasn’t happened yet. Every now and then, if I write something about my thoughts, it can spur me on or reveal where that is on the priority list. The decision-making process can be made less intense: I write about it, then I put down the pen and leave it . It can be set aside, allowed to rumble around in the back of my mind, rather than have it distract me day-to-day. When I do return to focusing on it, a week or a month later, I can read what I wrote and think, “That’s no longer important” or “Did I really think that?” Or “Oh, yes, I’d still really like to do that…”

Straight Road! — an active example

There’s a town I’d like to move to… 

One day I will move house. By keeping a journal I can see how far I’ve come in my thinking… where I am now on that particular decision journey in my mind: What I want, Where I want to go, When … or even If. 

Why does this matter as a parent?

The better we know ourselves, the more aware we are of our own hearts, the more alert we can be to our children. 

Keeping a journal helps us to stay in touch with ourselves, allows us to have our own dreams, and makes us aware of our own feelings. Then, when a child of ours has a need, we’re better equipped to encourage him/her to express him/herself. We’re better equipped to listen to our children because we’ve taken time to listen to ourselves. And we’re more likely to be relaxed, resting assured that the thoughts and concerns we have are written down and can be picked up again when necessary, rather than becoming a distraction or forgotten entirely. 

A journal helps us to listen to ourselves when life gives us little time to give ourselves the attention we need. And a journal helps us to understand ourselves so we have a greater capacity to understand our children, and to teach them how to reflect and understand themselves too.

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For Mothers

For Mothers: Exhaustion

Sometimes we’re exhausted. That’s okay.

I could stop right at this point, and you’d receive a message from that, I hope.

I am so wanting us all to realise that we have limits and that’s okay. We try to get rest, and try to be patient, but if we fail, it’s okay. We love through the exhaustion as best we can, but it’s okay!

Rest

Physically and emotionally and mentally: 3 different aspects but equally important. 

Physically

For me, nothing helps me to work through physical fatigue like a bubble bath. Do I have them often? No, time usually goes somewhere else. So, the second possibility is sitting, comfortably, with no sound, just waiting. Waiting for a sense of peace to come upon me. Clear mind, that comes too. That’s wonderfully restful. And a third effort into rest for me, is light exercise.

Emotionally

Although we can have stressful lives with a lot to demands on our time and attention, some of the stress is caused by us. What!? Who wants stress? 

What I mean is that when we worry, which solves nothing, we cause ourselves stress. A best perspective is to believe what is happening now is momentary and it will pass. Another way of thinking is to say to ourselves, “What good can come out of this?” And consider it seriously. Even if you come up with no great answer, you’re making the effort and in the meantime, you’re practicing resting as per above: a physical stillness to overcome exhaustion.

Mentally

In our tech-based world, everything is faster than it ever was before. Tech came to solve workloads, only to make demand increase. 

Our minds can be spinning several different plates just to see on track of our work load. 

Then there is our private lives: more scheduling, more planning, more research, more plate spinning. 

Whether it’s work, education, hobbies or whatever! Our lives are full of opportunities. That’s great for our mind’s development. But we also need rest.

Sometimes, we just need permission to STOP! Take a break. Press pause. “Smell the roses”

Summary

So if we’ve got a lot going on, taking a break from it, for a few minutes, will wash most of the tension and some of the exhaustion away. 

And then we give the children a hug or an encouraging word, or just a listening ear, and harmony is within reach. 

Rest comes in many ways, but it’s vital as a mother, to take breaks, no matter what, in order to keep going!

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For Mothers

For Mothers: Let’s be bold!

I remember when I was a teenager, I hated when my mother sang loudly in church. It embarrassed me… and my mother’s voice was fine! I just didn’t want anyone to notice her … or me.

Let’s be bold

But I was wrong to hush my mum. My lack of confidence didn’t want her confidence to shine. That was wrong!

As mothers, we need to allow ourselves the freedom to be free.

When we are confident, and laugh at ourselves and with our children, teaching them to laugh at themselves, they just might get through the self conscious teens happier, healthier and freer!

Let’s be free to show our kids how to be free

We don’t want to embarrass our sensitive teenagers. But neither do we want to kowtow to their self-consciousness. Let’s find a balance.

Through humour, joy, friendliness, drawing attention to ourselves is not a negative.

What’s good for the soul

Enjoying life, being robust, laughing and playing are good things for the soul. The activities and may change, but teaching our kids how to have fun with us and with one another is an important development for anyone… and especially important for our teens.

This is all part of learning to accept ourselves, honour ourselves, and respect ourselves. In this topsy-turvy world, it’s important to be grounded in who we are as individuals, and as part of a family, whether that’s a community family or a natural one.


Let’s be bold to model and to teach our children not to be ashamed but to be bold enough to be who and what our principles and our family guide us to be.

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For Mothers

For Mothers: Seasons

Phases

Kids go through phases, don’t they? An interest, a distraction, an attraction —  a particular focus or passion that our child develops, a temperament, an attitude or a style of dress — which is intense but temporary. To go through a series of phases is very often a part of growing up.

Seasons

But do you know we as parents go through seasons? Our ups and downs can be just as powerful as a child’s phase.

For mothers, seasons are important to recognise, so we can manage ourselves and our families with focus, encouragement, consistency, hope, and joy as we go through them.

As we learn how to recognise our own seasons, we’ll also be better able to recognise where we are at with each child. What makes us volatile, or what triggers impatience, fear, or a short temper.

What’s a season? 

By season I mean a challenge or a set of interlinked challenges that needs to be managed. Life is full of challenge — Isn’t that what makes life interesting? But if we don’t recognise we’re in a particular season but instead roll from one crisis to another, we will find life much more difficult.

Tough phases, tough seasons

When a child is super-challenged, they don’t have the experience to manage on their own and will need our emotional support. Likewise, for us, when we face crises we can best manage the overall problem if we recognise the core issue.

Know thyself

I believe the best thing we can do to be self aware is to make a concerted effort — to take time out — to consider what is most on our minds? 

Ah! But how will we find the time? We’ve got family to look after. We’ve got jobs and / or major responsibilities to fulfil. “I haven’t got time to pause for a time out!”

Well, I believe without those time outs, we can get caught out by circumstances that throw us emotionally, and hit us harder than they otherwise would. 

And if we feel hit hard, our kids will be affected too!

What are our concerns? What are our ambitions and hopes? What are we feeling confident about and what are we concerned or uncomfortable with right now? Ponder these things, get hold of what’s on our mind — really. Then, our self-awareness will be incredibly helpful when we need to manage a crisis. 

And if there is a series of crises

We’ll be better able to see a season for what it is and be able to roll with the punches, if we’ve had time to pause, to take stock of our personal state of mind. This is preparation, a protection against getting knocked off course by what might arise suddenly in our own or our children’s lives.

What can we do to make life easier for ourselves and for our children

Know yourself. Let’s recognise our moods and aspirations. Let’s watch and listen to our children. See their phases, see our seasons, and do our best to roll and to teach our children to roll with the challenging situations as they arise.

Sitting quietly, taking a deep breath: these little moments can make the big challenges so much easier to manage. Every challenge has a flip side: it is an opportunity to grow.

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For Mothers

For Mothers: Belonging

What do you suppose we as human beings need more than anything else? Love is the indisputable, overarching answer. And how do we experience love? I believe it is through a sense of belonging.

Long term necessity

Every child needs a sense of knowing where belongs in his environment. 

I can think of my university days and preferring the students in the year above me to my peers, in the small drama department of my university. I don’t exactly know how it was that way, but I graduated after my third year, rather than my fourth, in order to avoid that fourth honours year without the group of people I preferred. I did return as a mature pupil eventually, to get my honours year. But in the short term, while that extra year and higher degree was important to me, it wasn’t as important as having a sense of “belonging”.

Belonging is a long term necessity.

Early years of development

When a child is raised in an environment in which s/he feels a sense of belonging, fitting in, s/he is secure. The family unit is meant to provide that. Then, when the social environment kicks in as the prime factor to most kids, the child can always revert back to his/her family when feeling compromised, or out of sorts with others. The family — whatever the make-up — is meant to provide that key sense of belonging that will never be denied. This is what can get a child through the turbulent teens.

Teen years

A sense of belonging is what a young person is striving for when desiring the most popular toy or clothing or friend. It’s a way of showing s/he fits in.

A stable family base can over-ride bad choices of friendships. Without that sense of belonging at home, poor companion choices is more of a threat than if the child knows-that-s/he-knows where s/he belongs in the family unit. 

Gangs thrive amongst children without a father figure, statistics say. But father or no father, a child with a close tie with other siblings and one parent can still feel a strong sense of belonging. So, while I would agree a two parent family is ideal, sometimes that isn’t available… And a lack of it isn’t a reason to lose heart.

Let’s build in belonging

As we provide love and security, by providing a strong sense of unity and belonging in the family unit (whether it is a two person unit, a three, or a zillion), let’s do what we can as mothers to ensure our child knows s/he can come to us with concerns and hopes, love and needs, so that our child knows s/he fits and is a valued and important part of the family unit. Our child can be secure in the knowledge s/he is loved.

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For Mothers

For Mothers: The best way to help…

The best way to help our children, sometimes, is not to help them at all.

I’ve been a cheerleader — but sometimes, I think, too eager!

Building blocks

When he was tiny and was playing with blocks, my son got stuck — unable to fit the shape in the right hole. It was the right hole but he couldn’t quite get it to fit. I helped. 

I regret that! 

Why? Because he could have worked it out if we’d both been a little bit more patient. 

Patience is more important in us, so that our children have the room to struggle. 

And the struggle builds the patience in them.

Struggle

When my son was learning to read, it was hard for him. His teacher was surprised since everything to that point had been quite easy for him. I thought he was messing; I could have been more patient. 

I did get out clay and make the letter shapes in 3D. He started to get the hang of things then. 

We would learn years later that he was a bit dyslexic. 

Trust

I’ve always been glad I’d helped him with his letters. But wish I’d shown more trust, with a more patient attitude. I wanted him to do well. 

But in hindsight, it would have been better, I think, if I’d trusted his struggle was in earnest. It could have been a more relaxed journey.

It’s not always easy to know when to help and when to lie low. 

My son is now an adult. I try not to interfere. I think I achieve that in some measure.

I aim to stay connected, but without interfering… too much.

What have you found to be particularly helpful for your child(ren)?

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For Mothers

For Mothers: Hugs

Let’s never underestimate the power of hugs.

I was raised by a busy mother and a father of integrity but acute detachment.

I thrived on energy (aka was difficult to control), had little discipline (though I excelled academically ultimately) and was gregarious albeit self centred.

What I needed more than anything was a hug – or 10,000. 

As I reflect on my own history, I think I must say, “Never underestimate the power of a hug!” As parents, as mothers, sometimes the best thing is a hug. 

We need it sometimes. How much more do our children need it a lot of the time.

Children ask — or even if they don’t ask for one, they will thrive if they have hugs. Teens may resist, but they need it.

Words are powerful. “I love you” needs to trip off our tongues even when we’re cross and especially when we’re not. But a hug, an embrace of love, kindness, patience, hope and encouragement cannot be underestimated for its power to heal, comfort and build the person receiving, as well as grow the relationship between the two people embracing.

So, let’s hug our children! Often. Deeply. Unconditionally.

Blessings, Sarah

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For Mothers

For Mothers: When our children are afraid

When I composed this, I was on a flight. A child was screaming — I felt for him but also for his parents and the others surrounding. Fortunately for me, I was well in front and the crying was a relatively faint sound.

But the child’s crying made me think: What do we do when our children are afraid or inconsolable?

We keep calm and carry on… 

Although this is a British saying about persevering in difficult or awkward times, it is pertinent far and wide, I think.

When fear or doubt seems to cripple our children, we must not fear ourselves, but must seek to overcome any urge to panic or worry. 

Once, as I was driving through an unknown part of London with my teenage son, trying to navigate but also to avoid any congestion or emission charges, I kept saying to myself, “Oh, I don’t know… which way?” I was mumbling, as I would if I were on my own…

He said, “Mum, I need you to be confident, and to know where you’re going, or at least to act like it.”

His father had died only weeks before, and here he was, managing well with that, but out came a truth, plain and clear: ‘I need my mother to know what she’s doing because I certainly don’t and I can’t handle the responsibility or the fear of the unknown.’

Wow!

Fortunately, my son was old enough and confident enough to express what was exactly on his mind: He needed me to be calm and confident.

I think that speaks volumes for all of our children: There are times to show our vulnerability, but there as also times to be strong and to carry on, no matter what. 

What to do when fear or danger sweep across the path of your child?

We must remain calm and self possessed, walk on water, and trust we will get through, and stand on the reality that this moment will pass.

We can warn our children of danger, and teach and equip them as to how to cope. We can work to warn them in advance so they are prepared. But most of all, if calamity should come, we must bear up and encourage them to do the same. We are their role models. We are their teachers. And so, we must be prepared so they can be prepared for those hopefully rare, but unavoidable circumstances that will test their metal — and ours.

Every blessing,

Sarah

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Preparing the Bride of Jesus Christ

For Mothers: We need to parent our children

Today there is a view that children should learn by experience, and that they will work out who they are on their own.

To a degree, this may be true. However, children need parenting to develop and lead healthy, industrious lives that contribute positively to society.

We need to parent our children

Children have DNA and they have personality all their own. However, they can’t learn to eat healthy food and live healthy lives without guidance.

Babies are born helpless. And it takes months before they can do anything on their own… they can’t hold up their heads or even roll over for some time, never mind eat, dress, or look after themselves.

In the physical realm, just as it takes time for a child to develop the motor skills to walk or to dress himself, so too, it takes even longer to develop communication skills or emotional understanding. This takes years!

And to learn social skills, healthy emotional expression, and to develop an independent identity takes even longer.

So, how do these skills develop best? Through parenting.

Biological or adoptive parenting

While certain inherent understandings may develop more easily within a biological family, it isn’t essential to be raised by biological parents. Indeed, many children who are adopted grow into adults who are happy, productive individuals.

But children who lack healthy parenting suffer greatly, and the odds of maturing well are stacked against them. It is much more difficult for children without parents to grow up to be healthy physically, emotionally, socially, spiritually.

So, I’m about parenting. I think parents need to step up to support their children as much as possible. While circumstances within households may limit time, quality parenting isn’t always a maximum of time, but it is a quality of time certainly.

Freedom to develop

Do our children need to experience freedom or control?

I’d say they need both: guidance and steering loosens as the child matures. They need freedom to make mistakes — because we all learn far more from our mistakes than from our successes, don’t we? Mistakes do need to be safe mistakes. A child can run into a road to learn their vulnerability, but if the experience kills or maims the child, that isn’t good is it? So, seriously, the balance between freedom and guidance needs to fit the level of maturity of the child.

Freedom: too much too early, a lack of boundaries — causes stress to a child, even trauma if there is too much freedom too soon.

Without any boundaries, a child is likely to feel unloved. When a parent constructs a healthy boundary and a consequence if it is ignored, the child will know he’s noticed and loved.

Just my thoughts:) What about yours?