Tag: loving our children

To argue or not to Argue?

Post author By Sarah Tun
Post date 29/09/2026
No Comments on To argue or not to Argue?

Arguing with our children is a waste of energy. It is unproductive, it weakens our position, and it doesn’t help them to grow into productive, pleasant, and peaceful people.

To argue or not to argue? Not.

Giving our children a voice

I believe it is vital to encourage our children to express themselves, to learn they have a voice — their point of view matters and it’s good to share, to discuss perspectives. This is not arguing.

I believe it is important to enable our children to stand up for themselves. This is not arguing.

I believe we need to stand our ground when we are demonstrating obedience is important. Otherwise, how will a child get on with teachers, employers? This might bring arguments. But don’t argue.

Why kids argue

It is important, I think, to recognise that arguments usually take form when one or other person feels powerless. Sometimes our children will be relatively powerless, for example, when we have to make a decision on their behalf, based upon a lot of different needs and varying circumstances. But if we argue with our children, what are we really saying? We’re saying our words are equal to theirs — which they are not. As the parent, as the adult, we do hold more responsibility, more wisdom, more experience, and more power. The buck stops with us, in terms of safety, family harmony, long-term outcome.

If we’re not to argue, then what?

Let’s teach our children negotiation. Not manipulation, but honest negotiation. Chances are, our children will come up with possible trade-offs that will show us just how important their corner, their desire, their stance is. Or it will reveal to them, their “want” isn’t that important after all. Is it worth cleaning the car or doing errands in exchange for the money they’re asking for, or the visit to a friends that they want to make, when it clashes with a family visit to — somewhere else?

Let’s teach our children intelligent debate. They can demonstrate with facts the benefits of what they want to do versus the cost in finance or quality family time or homework or their safety.

Let’s teach our children to give as well as to receive.

And let’s hug and love them more than they squabble — with siblings, with you, with anyone.

Is there a time to compromise?

If you’re always giving in, they will experience your weakness and feel insecure because you haven’t strong boundaries.

If you never give in, they’ll learn they have no voice or that their dreams and interests aren’t important.

Navigating parenthood is just as new for us as their navigating life is for our children. We are the adults, so we need to give clarity for our children to feel secure, safe, and loved.

And always, we put love first, so that our children know we’re listening and know we care. Boundaries, yes — for their safety and for family harmony. But flexibility too, so we can discover who our children are, just as they are journeying through life to do the same.

Blessings,

Sarah

Tags arguing with children, boundaries with our children, building confidence in children, for mothers, giving children a voice, Larus Press, listening to our children, loving our childre, loving our children, parentingtips, respecting children

For Mothers

For Mothers: Guilt

Recently I saw a little video short on the internet with a mother getting a constant earful from her guilty conscience who claimed relentlessly that no matter what she did, it wasn’t good enough. It was funny, and also a bit sad because it is so often what we experience. I’d have posted it but it was an embedded clip and I couldn’t share it.

Why do we experience guilt?

We want to be good mums. It’s in our DNA. We can never be perfect, so there’s always room for a voice to complain “you’re not good enough.”

Is it a reasonable “voice” to listen to?

Not usually, no. Usually this is a condemning echo in our brain that says we’re not good enough, not kind enough, not permissive enough — or too permissive. That voice can never be appeased, so best not to listen to it.

However, there are exceptions.

Often our thoughts will rest on a mistake we’ve made; we feel deeply in our conscience an inner conviction that we’ve done wrong. But rarely do we recognise the past is over! So, how do we deal with this ‘voice’? We forgive ourselves and to the level it is appropriate with our child, we say sorry (demonstrating humility and culpability) and smile and move forward — trying to remember not to do the make mistake again.

Perfection

We’ll never be perfect. So why bother to try?

We’re not actually trying to be perfect so that we have a guilt-free life, are we? We’re actually trying to be good parents, who are loving, kind, strong, determined, protective and … loving! (Note the repetition of the word loving because really and truly, I believe love is at the core of everything else.)

We cannot be perfect. But in the eyes of our little ones (yes, the bloom comes off the rose somewhere around age 10 or 12), we are gods: we are perfect, we know everything, have infinite love and resources and superhuman strength. And so, we try to do our best for them.

And when we succeed, we are modelling achievement for our children. And when we fail, we are modelling humility for our children…. And when we do okay? Well then, we are modelling the reality of our humanity.

And that’s all good.

So let’s aim for love

I think love is a brilliant aim. I think that’s an achievable aim. I think that’s a virtuous aim. And that can help to say “shut up” to that needling little voice that says, “You’re simply not good enough.”

Blessings,

Sarah