Arguing with our children is a waste of energy. It is unproductive, it weakens our position, and it doesn’t help them to grow into productive, pleasant, and peaceful people.
To argue or not to argue? Not.
Giving our children a voice
I believe it is vital to encourage our children to express themselves, to learn they have a voice — their point of view matters and it’s good to share, to discuss perspectives. This is not arguing.
I believe it is important to enable our children to stand up for themselves. This is not arguing.
I believe we need to stand our ground when we are demonstrating obedience is important. Otherwise, how will a child get on with teachers, employers? This might bring arguments. But don’t argue.
Why kids argue
It is important, I think, to recognise that arguments usually take form when one or other person feels powerless. Sometimes our children will be relatively powerless, for example, when we have to make a decision on their behalf, based upon a lot of different needs and varying circumstances. But if we argue with our children, what are we really saying? We’re saying our words are equal to theirs — which they are not. As the parent, as the adult, we do hold more responsibility, more wisdom, more experience, and more power. The buck stops with us, in terms of safety, family harmony, long-term outcome.
If we’re not to argue, then what?
Let’s teach our children negotiation. Not manipulation, but honest negotiation. Chances are, our children will come up with possible trade-offs that will show us just how important their corner, their desire, their stance is. Or it will reveal to them, their “want” isn’t that important after all. Is it worth cleaning the car or doing errands in exchange for the money they’re asking for, or the visit to a friends that they want to make, when it clashes with a family visit to — somewhere else?
Let’s teach our children intelligent debate. They can demonstrate with facts the benefits of what they want to do versus the cost in finance or quality family time or homework or their safety.
Let’s teach our children to give as well as to receive.
And let’s hug and love them more than they squabble — with siblings, with you, with anyone.
Is there a time to compromise?
If you’re always giving in, they will experience your weakness and feel insecure because you haven’t strong boundaries.
If you never give in, they’ll learn they have no voice or that their dreams and interests aren’t important.
Navigating parenthood is just as new for us as their navigating life is for our children. We are the adults, so we need to give clarity for our children to feel secure, safe, and loved.
And always, we put love first, so that our children know we’re listening and know we care. Boundaries, yes — for their safety and for family harmony. But flexibility too, so we can discover who our children are, just as they are journeying through life to do the same.
Blessings,
Sarah
