Tag: for mothers

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For Mothers

Honouring parents… with wriggle room

Honour but not Obey

I think it is really important that we honour our parents, all the days of our lives. That means as adult children, I think we need to give honour to our own parents, just as we’d hope our children would honour us… But what does “honouring our parents” actually look like? I mean, is it the same as obeying them? I don’t believe so.

To honour, to respect

Right now, my adult child is living at home, by our mutual choice, not by necessity. 


I am deeply honoured that he wants to live with me. And I am also aware that it is a privilege for him and it is also a privilege for me to share the same household, with joy, respect and good company.

That he should respect me as his parent probably won’t see too much opposition from readers. But perhaps not all will agree with me that I should respect him.

I don’t just respect him because he’s a human being, but also because, as an adult, he is a separate entity from me.

And so it will go, hopefully, from generation to generation.

The best way to look at this I think, is to respect our mature children, but not to demand obedience.

I think to honour someone is to pay them respect, but more importantly, to honour our parents is to take their views seriously, to consider them as learned and experienced, as worthy of consideration.

But that is not the same as to be obedient to them. 

Some cultures may call for obedience, but in my world, to honour is to show respect. However, to obey is for underaged children, not for grown-ups. In some families, adulthood may be seen as 21, or 25, or 18. Some children will grow up to take responsibility more seriously at an earlier age. Whatever the case, I encourage us all to give our children room to grow, permission to make mistakes, encouraging them to make their own decisions, even if they make a mistake… and of course to rescue them when we can from making a life-changing mistake early in life. 

But once they are of an age of responsibility, we need to recognise they have the legal right to make decisions and allow them to do so. Hoping they’ll ask our viewpoint — or offering even if they don’t ask is fine… without the expectation or even the demand they do it “our way”. That’s how I see things.

Grandparents

Grandparents are gold for the grandchildren. And for us, they can be great companions. But to honour them does not mean we have to agree with them or to do their bidding. 

As parents ourselves, we need to command authority with our children. That means over our children, the authority lies with us, not with our own parents.

As we become adults, to our more mature parents who will most naturally want relationship with us and with our children, we need to respect they’ll have their views, but we do not need to follow their wishes. 

A wise grandparent will recognise s/he must respect the wishes and views of her/his own children over the grandchildren. Did they not want their wishes respected as parents? Opinions may be shared but as older parents a generation removed from grandchildren, I believe it is vital to respect the parents’ wishes.

Mothers and daughters, I say agree to disagree if you must, but barring actual danger, a parent’s wishes supersedes the desires of the grandparent, otherwise, the grandparent is interfering.

To honour v to obey

I’m splitting hairs between honouring and obeying our parents, once we have grown up. 

The honour must never go away, even if it is simply to show courtesy in a difficult relationship. 

A book I follow closely says this:

“Honour your father and your mother, that your days may be long upon the land…” (Holy Bible, Exodus 20:12a)

But obedience must give way from generation to generation. This will enable the growing offspring to know where the authority lies in the family line, and will ensure when each becomes a parent to their own child, a line of authority can be acknowledged.


Life is a cycle, and so, as we pass from child into parenthood into grandparenthood, we need to take responsibility within the remit we have. I urge us all to remember this:

The centrepiece is the authority of the parent for the child, until the child matures into adulthood. If we keep to that, we all grow, we all know our boundaries, and we can all respect one another in an age appropriate way.

Blessings:) 

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For Mothers

To argue or not to Argue?

Arguing with our children is a waste of energy. It is unproductive, it weakens our position, and it doesn’t help them to grow into productive, pleasant, and peaceful people.

To argue or not to argue? Not.

Giving our children a voice

I believe it is vital to encourage our children to express themselves, to learn they have a voice — their point of view matters and it’s good to share, to discuss perspectives. This is not arguing.

I believe it is important to enable our children to stand up for themselves. This is not arguing.

I believe we need to stand our ground when we are demonstrating obedience is important. Otherwise, how will a child get on with teachers, employers? This might bring arguments. But don’t argue.

Why kids argue

It is important, I think, to recognise that arguments usually take form when one or other person feels powerless. Sometimes our children will be relatively powerless, for example, when we have to make a decision on their behalf, based upon a lot of different needs and varying circumstances. But if we argue with our children, what are we really saying? We’re saying our words are equal to theirs — which they are not. As the parent, as the adult, we do hold more responsibility, more wisdom, more experience, and more power. The buck stops with us, in terms of safety, family harmony, long-term outcome.

If we’re not to argue, then what?

Let’s teach our children negotiation. Not manipulation, but honest negotiation. Chances are, our children will come up with possible trade-offs that will show us just how important their corner, their desire, their stance is. Or it will reveal to them, their “want” isn’t that important after all. Is it worth cleaning the car or doing errands in exchange for the money they’re asking for, or the visit to a friends that they want to make, when it clashes with a family visit to — somewhere else?

Let’s teach our children intelligent debate. They can demonstrate with facts the benefits of what they want to do versus the cost in finance or quality family time or homework or their safety.

Let’s teach our children to give as well as to receive.

And let’s hug and love them more than they squabble — with siblings, with you, with anyone.

Is there a time to compromise?

If you’re always giving in, they will experience your weakness and feel insecure because you haven’t strong boundaries.

If you never give in, they’ll learn they have no voice or that their dreams and interests aren’t important.

Navigating parenthood is just as new for us as their navigating life is for our children. We are the adults, so we need to give clarity for our children to feel secure, safe, and loved.

And always, we put love first, so that our children know we’re listening and know we care. Boundaries, yes — for their safety and for family harmony. But flexibility too, so we can discover who our children are, just as they are journeying through life to do the same.

Blessings,

Sarah

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For Mothers

For Mothers: School Rules

Recently, a head master decided to start the school year off right with expectations of strong behavioural boundaries of do’s and don’ts. School Rules: are they important for children’s success?

Are School Rules important?

Interim principle Dan Jeffries (Daily Mail, 17th September 2026) set out strict rules at Frome Community College in Somerset, with standards set against persistent disruption. It seems some parents were not happy. On the other hand, the fact there is an interim head suggests a strict policy may be needed, so the students will take his rules seriously. 

Frome Community College is a comprehensive secondary school.

We know from Katharine Birbalsingh, Headmistress of Michaela Community School in Wembley, and arguably the best comprehensive school in Britain, that discipline is the best and most important attribute to success.

Parents and Teacher to row together

It seems a bit discouraging that there is a disagreement between some of the parents and this head teacher. It’s a bit like 2 parents  in the family disagreeing, whereby the children therefore do not get a clear message and without it, lack the incentive to abide by the rules set forth with respect.

This is a potentially a big problem.

Discipline to learn

There need to be boundaries and discipline in the classroom (and at home) in order for children to learn. On the other hand, one hopes the environment of any school will exude an atmosphere of warmth and respect.

If parents object to the head of the school being strict with the students, the children receive “mixed messages” and therefore may quite naturally object to the discipline. 

Some caught in the crossfire

Rules aren’t made to be broken (contrary to the old phrase!). Neither do they exist to squash enthusiasm, creativity and fun! In the case of Frome Community College, apparently, some innocence were caught in the crossfire. 

How do we ensure learning, a stimulating environment, and an atmosphere of mutual respect?

Value of Home Influence on School Results

I think it starts at home. If children are taught to respect their elders and those in authority, they are less likely to act up in school. 


There is an old proverb: ‘Train a child in the way s/he should go, and when s/he grows up, s/he will not depart from it.’

Of course we must support and if necessary, defend our children. But may I encourage us all to loan respect to the teachers of our children, giving them room to teach and to make mistakes too. Can we work alongside them, in encouraging our children to take authority seriously, not so that they be bullied or dominated, but so they can learn how to cope with authority in work and in life. 


Head teachers and staff at schools are not infallible, but most are there to teach, encourage, and instruct our children. Let’s help them by giving them the benefit of the doubt at the start of the year, so that our children can learn and grow, not only in the subject matter they study, but within the social hierarchy and dynamics of the school in which they are placed.

My thoughts… as a mum and formerly, a classroom teacher.

Please feel free to share yours in the Comments. I’d love to hear from you.

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For Mothers

For Mothers: Always Available?

Are we meant to be always available?

When my mother raised her two daughters, my sister and I, she occasionally commented that she didn’t get to go to the bathroom on her own…

It was quite true, especially of me, that I’d follow her anywhere — even into the bathroom. She had limited privacy. 

Looking back, I realise she was very accommodating. I’ve not been a much, but then, I have a son.

Boundaries

Everyone needs to set boundaries. What limits do we choose to place on our family time, our privacy  time. It is important we do.

For me, my boundary for my son is more open than for any other human being. Perhaps it is because he’s relatively private and I’m so delighted whenever he wants to share. Perhaps it is my unashamed favouritism toward my only birth child. Perhaps it’s because I am happy to engage and value engagement with him over anyone else because he is my child. 


I have decided to make myself available. I’m happy to do it. There are rare occasions where I simply have to say, “not right now” for some reason: I’m on a business phone call, I’m in the bathroom, I’m on my way to catch a train.

Whatever boundaries we might set for our children, I think consistency is important so they learn to gauge when we are interruptible and when we’re not. They learn it at school with teachers, they’ll need to learn it with employers. They’ll need to establish their own in their personal and family relationships. 

We need to be available for our children. We need to set boundaries. I think so long as we’re there for them, and they know we are, and so long as we’re as consistent as we can be, I think whatever availability we can manage and maintain our own sense of rhythm and peace of mind, it’s a good way to relate.

Giving our children a sense of value and importance will develop and that will build in them confidence and assurance that they are loved. And that is the best and most important sense we can give them. Love is the most important message to give our children, and our time and attention — with healthy boundaries — will give them that.

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For Mothers

For Mothers: Dance into Tomorrow

For Mothers, I have a secret… You know how largely, if our children are happy, so are we? Well, it works both ways. A child who sees a happy parent, is also happy.

Happiness is infectious

… So, dance into tomorrow.

Physical expression of our emotions is healthy exertion. Dancing is one way of expressing ourselves and it’s great exercise too. Whether it is literal, or simply a phrase, to dance is to bring lightness and joy into whatever we are experiencing.

So, if we’re tired, glide into bedtime. If we’re frantic, let some of the tension go!

If we’re happy, ‘clap your hands and stamp your feet’ — as the very old song goes!!

Dance is also a euphemism 

To use the word Dance, I mean: to “have — and exude — a good attitude.”

When trouble strikes, dance your way through. When your child has a disappointment, teach him or her to dance too: To walk on water! To have a good attitude, no matter what. 

Having a good outlook carries us farther than having a bad one. So, choose to recognise the disappointment but also choose not to carry the burden of it. Express it and give it away… to GOD, to hope for a better tomorrow, or to whatever you believe hears your heart when you’re happy (or when you’re sad).

Keep dancing 

Not to exhaustion. We all need physical rest too. But in your heart, and in your mind, dance to the tune of hope, a short-lived disappointment, and 

a better tomorrow. Failure is our best teacher. So, really, there is no such thing as failure, just a missing of the mark this time. Next time, we’ll do better!

And teach your child the steps too. We all need to learn better how to dance through our ups and downs. We all have them, so we might as well learn how to step through them.

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For Mothers

For Mothers: New start, new hope

Our children, whatever they may be displaying, will have a fresh, new hope — whether buried or transparent — for the new school year. 

New Start, New Hope, I’m sure of it! 

I think deep down, every human being has a similarity

Aren’t we all link this:

When something is new, don’t we have a hope it’ll be great!? There is always potential, right?

Even if we are dreading some event or experience, don’t we deep deep down have a hope it will be – could be, may be extraordinary?

I think that’s the same with our children:

Who will be in my class?

What courses is that person taking, who I’ve not seen and missed all summer?

Will I like my teacher(s)?

Will my teacher(s) like me?

Will I like my course? Will I get the teacher I wanted for this option?

We can always hope — and unless we are severely damaged, we always have hope.

So, let’s feed our children hope. Let’s encourage them to have a brave new start.

“Let’s hope for the best, prepare for the worst… and just get on!” You might say to them. Or perhaps, “Let’s see what happens today, and can you make a new friend today?”

Have a great start to term!

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For Mothers

For Mothers: Remember to be Thankful (a poem for reflection)

“Thankful”
I don’t deserve to be this happy
I never knew such bliss
I had no idea
Motherhood would be like this.

You gaze upon my every move
With wide-eyed anticipation
‘What is going to happen next?’
Always positive expectation.

And as you grow, I’ll always know
Your every move and thought;
A good boy, sweet and kind
I’ll never be distraught.

Amazing how we know so much
Of who the heart-child is.
To raise him into that pure light
The challenge: that’s the biz.

I don’t deserve to be this happy
‘Ever-after’ my trust will be
For all this world could offer
Nothing compares with ye!

© Sarah Tun
2005

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For Mothers

For Mothers: to speak or not to speak

My son is an adult. My step daughter has her own two children. I think this suggests I have a bit of experience as a parent. Although I don’t know everything, I reckon I have learned a little. Nevertheless, I struggle sometimes, wondering, to speak or not to speak?

Can I help?

When I see a new mum with her young one, if both are showing frustration or distress, it’s hard to know whether to say anything to help or not. I mean, I may have the best of intentions, but is it my place to say anything?

I think, regarding advising another mum, it depends totally upon my relationship with her. Have I been invited to advise? Have I even held the baby!? It’s easy to see a problem and want to help; but’s important not to meddle or make things worse by sticking my nose where it doesn’t belong.

Smile, play, enjoy…

Can I make contact in an off-hand and encouraging way? Can I smile at the pair? Can I get toddler’s attention and cheer him up?

I’m quite sure what I think may be useful; I might offer a bit of insight that is helpful… to resolve the frustration…. in a casual way. But should I?

The most important question is this: Is what I think of from what I observe going to offer useful information? Can I sow and encourage love?

Or am I merely flaunting my opinion?

Social media is full of opinion…. Do I really need to offer mine?

Look inside first

I need to look inside myself as the first step. To examine my own heart, to be sure my motive is to help, is important before I gently present my observations.

Do I offer an opinion? Nope! Observations? Maybe. But first, may I be sure that any words I might offer are life-giving and nurturing?

We mums

In some ways, we mums are fragile.

Don’t we tend to feel vulnerable concerning our own children, wanting to do well, sometimes not knowing what is needed. no matter how much “experience” we have?

Let’s always try to sow life

Let’s be a blessing to other mums and their children. Then, let’s love, love, love! And, if there’s any time left, speak… maybe. 

Proverbs 12:18 says, “There is one who speaks like the piercings of a sword, But the tongue of the wise promotes health.” Surely if that perspective is good enough for wise King Solomon, it’s good enough for me.

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For Mothers

For Mothers: If I lose my temper

I used to lose my temper. If I lose my temper again, I’ll know why…

When I was a teenager, it was because I wasn’t being heard.

When I was an adult, it was because I was frustrated at not being heard.

As a parent, it has been because my child wasn’t listening to me.

Spot the pattern!

Whenever I felt ignored, not heard, ultimately, I got cross. But what was at the root of that feeling ignored? Fear. As a teen, fear of being over-ruled. As a peer, fear of being unloved. As a parent, fear of not having control when I should.

I was afraid.

I was afraid of having no control over my situation. I was afraid. That’s the bottom line.

I’m not afraid anymore. Or if I am ever afraid now, I spot it, and realise there is nothing to fear — or if there is, I can’t control the situation — I can’t control others. So I can relax.

Anger and temper have at their root: frustration and fear

If we realise we can’t control others, and stop trying, anger won’t get the better of us.

As a parent, if I don’t get angry, I’ll remain patient. And that will give me the leverage as a parent to navigate the lack of cooperation I might be getting from my child. And that will allow conversation, negotiation, peace, and progress.

And I’m all for progress!

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For Mothers

For Mothers: Free from Shame

For Mothers: No Shame

We all make mistakes. This is about how to live free from shame.

There’s no shame in being human, being fallible, being imperfect — because we all are. It is part of being human.

If you’re thinking of something in particular right now, you probably feel shame about it. Don’t brush it aside. If you’re in a public place, maybe stop reading for now, and come back to this when you have a private time, a private space.

The very best thing to do with anything you regret, any shame you feel, is to look it straight in the eye, say you’re sorry about it, and forgive yourself.

For our Children

When you do that for yourself, then, when your own child makes a mistake, a big mistake, you won’t shame them, nor will you allow them to get away with it (because if they brush it aside, they will either then learn to do wrong repeatedly, or they will learn to walk in shame, thinking they are stuck in it — which is like a ball and chain!)

You will be able to help them face their own mistake straight in the eye, with the tenderness you gave yourself. You will be able to help them to say s/he is sorry. You will be able to encourage them to forgive themselves. 

We all need to learn more about walking in healthy responsibility for our mistakes, but healed — without living in shame — because we are simply aware of our humanity, our vulnerability, our mistakes, and our forgiveness.

Blessings to you:) 

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For Mothers

For Mothers: take heart

For Mothers: Take Heart

Take heart in the good times and in the bad

The bad makes the light shine brighter on the good.

Take heart in the knowing you’ve done your best

For the little one (or big one) to shine their best.

Take heart when the weather outside is rough

Knowing you can take the storms just like you can take the peace.

Take heart in knowing you’re their mum, you’re what they’ve got

And you’ve been given a gift because you have love in your heart.

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For Mothers

For Mothers: Healthy Competition

We need a level of healthy competition in childhood, to give us a broad base of experience, which prepares us for the adult world.

Peanuts and Charlie Brown

When I was a little girl, I read Charlie Brown cartoons and watched, when occasionally, there would be a tv special. Poor Charlie Brown! He was always the last one picked for a team. Always, he was the one to poke fun at. How many times did Lucy say in earnest, ‘I won’t pull the football away’ when he ran to kick it. But every time she did, and every time Charlie Brown ended up flat on his back. Poor Charlie Brown.


If he were a real person, I hope he grew into a fabulous human being. He may well have been the author’s childhood identity. If that’s the case then yes, “Charlie Brown” grew up to be a highly creative and incredibly talented person, who gave children dubbed “losers” hope and dignity. He gave us characters who were heartwarming, children of personal integrity and kindness, naivety and goodness (except maybe Lucy) . He gave all readers and watchers an insight into what makes humanity better — having more people with good character in the world.

How does a look at Charlie Brown and Peanuts relate to healthy competition?

Because in the era of Charlie Brown and Peanuts, there was competition: grades, sports, everything was compared: one child’s success to another’s failure. AND NO ONE DIED!

Seriously, we live in a world now where, if there is competition, it is seen by so many of us as dangerous — potentially life shattering for the self esteem of a child. 

Hogwash!

Self Esteem and Human Dignity

I don’t want to offend, but truly I believe that, while there is such a thing as toxic competition — there is also a form of healthy (and necessary) competition that teaches us to work hard, focus our efforts, and learn how to win well… and how to lose well too.

Losing can be incredibly frustrating for children, but it’s an opportunity for them to learn resilience and perseverance. Winning can be fun, but it is also a chance for children to learn modesty and humility and grace towards others.

Let’s teach our children well

We need, as parents, to be supportive of our children no matter what level they are working at. We love them whether they win or lose, but let us help them to win well, and to lose well too. That takes practice and so I hope we can all help our children to engage in healthy competition from time to time, so they gain experience and will develop all the skills they need for life.

In the grown-up world, not everybody gets the job, not everybody gets the promotion, not everybody wins all the time! 

So, can we play in a way that gives our children balanced opportunity — to do their best and sometimes, to strive for success which is marked by winning?

There is that timeless adage that speaks well for all of us… Ultimately, there is a lot of truth in this:

“It’s not whether you win or lose, but how you play the game.”

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Preparing the Bride of Jesus Christ

For Mothers: We need more Children!

I would like to thank us all here, who have children, are raising children, are looking after children. This is simply to say, “Thank you” because we need more people like us who have the joy of raising children, recognising it is challenging as well as invigorating. You and I are willing to make the sacrifice to raise children…. so, thank you.

We need more people like us!

So share with your friends who have so far elected not to have children, that we need in our society more children, if society as we know it is going to continue to thrive.

“Bless the little children who come unto me,” a famous person said.

Statistically, we need more children in many of our societies, if our all of our cultures are going to survive. The Japanese are in dire straights with a diminishing population, but so too is South Korea, UK and most of western Europe. Even America, I think, has suggested a population decline amongst its people.

Culture and civilisation is a hodge podge of variety. Variety is good. But too much variety within one society, and we lose the identity, the integrity, of that society. So, “Bring on the children!” folks.

As variety is the spice of life, then important too is the base ingredient that holds the whole dish together.

Be blessed. Children are a blessing. So long as we can afford to feed and clothe them, let us have more children.*

*Easy for me to say, as I’m beyond child-bearing years. Ho hum.

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For Mothers

For Mothers: Getting prepped for Summer Holidays

Summer Holidays are nearly upon us! We must get psychologically prepped for summer holidays.

A time of disruption

Well, when the summer holidays come, as with any change from routine, there is potential for a bit of stress. We are creatures of habit. When 40 or 45 weeks comprise the school year, with occasional interruption for public and cultural holidays, families have their routines of work, extra curricular activities. But when the sprawling summer break arrives, there are a lot of days to ensure our children are looked after, entertained, kept busy, while as mothers we have our usual work or day routine to adjust to fit the change.

A time of opportunity

‘Change can be as good as a rest’, as the cliche says. And summer holidays are a great opportunity for rest, holiday breaks — whether they involve travel or domestic time off — to deepen our connection with our kids. 

Summer break offers a time for everyone’s batteries to be recharged, after a busy and demanding school year.

Our attitude as mothers can hugely influence how we face the challenges of summer and how our children handle their holidays. 

Enjoyment with boundaries

When the routine shifts from school and work to luxury time, how are we going to use our freer time? Are we going to spent is altogether? Are we going to put some time and space boundaries together?

Boundaries are important. Age-sensitive boundaries give everyone clarity. I believe it is completely reasonable to put boundaries into place which help to clarify both sides’ needs, interests and aspirations.

I wish us all a fabulous summer. May our mothers’ enthusiam and positivity infect our children in ways that offer them a balance with age appropriate freedom and responsibility. May boundaries enhance their growth while we all enjoy our time together as well.

Every blessing,

Sarah

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For Mothers

For Mothers: Co-dependency

Co-dependency 

It is a label that’s been around for decades but co-dependency isn’t really discussed amongst every day folk. It’s a sort of relationship where one or both is/are emotionally dependent on the other in an unhealthy way, binding the two in such a way that one or both are tied so that any change, development in the other person is seen as a threat, a break-away, and it therefore not encouraged or even stifled.

The relationship is steeped in insecurity, on the part of one or both parties, so that control is at the heart of the relationship and any veering from the emotional connection knitting the two people together causes distress, aggression, anxiety, possessiveness or threat one against the other. 

That’s my definition. 

AI puts it this way

Codependency (often spelled “co-dependency”) is a behavioural and emotional pattern in which one person (the codependent) excessively relies on another person for their sense of self-worth, identity, or emotional well-being — usually while enabling that person’s dysfunctional or unhealthy behaviour. (Grok)

Consequences of Co-dependency

In the most benign way, it causes one or both persons to modify their behaviour toward the other in order to keep the peace. Neither person then is truly free to be themselves. 

Co-dependency in families

As a child is growing up, they need to be enabled to break away from the parents. This can be done in a healthy way, if the child feels free to do so; if they feel loved and appreciated, they are more likely to draw away more amiably. If they feel stifled, they either won’t break away at all (which is unhealthy in that it causes them to suppress their independence, not allowing them to become their own person). Or they may break away aggressively, to overcome the feeling of being controlled. Either way, the child is miserable, frustrated and either stifled and squashed on the one hand, or angry and rebellious on the other.

As parents, we want our children to flourish 

As our children grow, we give them more room to make their own decisions and encourage them to think independently. At the same time, of course we want to show them our love, and to keep them safe from any harm. Today, as the world spins, we are all challenged more and more in the area of freedom v safety.

Inter-dependence rather than co-dependence

My aim as a parent — even as a friend to anyone — is to nurture a sense of reliability between myself and the other person, a consistency of love and acceptance, mutual respect and appreciation. This is a sort of inter-dependence, where we can rely on one another, encourage one another, be honest with each other, yet not hinge our own sense of identity or self worth on the basis of what the other person thinks of us.

Contemplate

As we look in ourselves, as parents, can we let go control of our children in suitable age-relevant intervals and encourage our children to think for themselves? Once we’ve taught them our values and the social contract (ie how to live in a law biding way within our society) to our children, can we let them navigate based on the set of values, opinions, and interests they are developing themselves? And can we celebrate with them the healthy choices they make, whether we agree or disagree with them? As we let go, we will most likely discover they are more nervous about their independence than we are for them. Respecting them as they go forward, and being available when they fall backward (and let’s face it, everybody makes and loses ground from time to time), can we be there to show respect, encouragement and love no matter what? That will make for a healthy, wholesome and lasting bond.

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For Mothers

For Mothers: Pick your Battles

Some issues matter more than others. As mothers, we need to pick our battles wisely, choosing which corrections to make or which principles to stand on. What will matter most in the long run is what we need to stand on — in the present.

We can get embroiled in arguments with our offspring, or be called to referee arguments between siblings. Whichever the case, there is nothing urgent that cannot be sorted sensibly over a short break: a breather, a 10-count, a pause to reflect. Decisions made in a hostile moment are seldom best decisions.

And through the maize of high strung arguments, wilful resistance, or tears of frustration, will lie the best solutions for our child after… a short pause.

Measuring Priorities

Not all battles really matter. Sometimes the lesson is for our child to learn no really does mean “no, absolutely not!”, or wait, really does mean “in time the best way ahead will show itself”. On the other hand, if we make everything a “no” or a “wait” our child will get frustrated or will be stunted in their ability to make their own decisions confidently.

If we resist every request, they’ll be frustrated; if we always give in, they’ll have no boundaries. (Boundaries are protective and indicate to our child we care.) We need to be wise about how often we concede and when we are unable to compromise. 

What are your red lines?

There are specific things you cannot agree with because of your own principles, or wisdom, or finances. When we stick to those, and by explaining to the child you can’t bend or you’ll be broken, they’ll understand. If they’re too young to understand the philosophy, they won’t be too old to simply have to accept that it’s what Mummy knows is best for them.

Compromise

Practicing negotiation (rather than arguing) is most productive. Siblings can use it to learn how best to share responsibility and to share the enjoyment of play. Negotiating with your child will build your communication and is a great skill — and one they’ll probably master better than you!

But to compromise your values or your principles, or on what is considered safe by most standards, isn’t wise, because it makes us surrender our parenting rights and our parenting wisdom to someone who is still a vulnerable child (even if at 14, they are 6:2”!). Regardless of how skilled and clever a debater they might be, they lack the wisdom of experience.

We can’t control their interests and desires, but we can ensure they stay within the safe, legal, and moral limits you are teaching them. That way, your conscience is at peace… and they discover and develop theirs.

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For Mothers

For Mothers: Learning to Forgive

We love our children. It’s really important that we check ourselves now and then, to make sure we’ve forgiven them of — anything and everything.

Whilst I’ve written before about helping our children to learn to forgive, I don’t think I’ve addressed what might be our own weakness, and to ensure we forgive others, in particular our own children.

Issues we may hold over a child

  • Chooses the other parent over ourselves
  • Lies and holds a secret from us
  • Open defiance 
  • Temper tantrum
  • Failing grades
  • Underachieving / Not measuring up to our expectations
  • Substance abuse
  • Other

When we forgive

Hope springs out of forgiveness. It isn’t that our child “gets away with bad behaviour” but rather that, when we forgive, there is then room for his/her own conscience to convict. A person’s own conviction is far more powerful to help than is our own unforgiveness.

Forgiveness doesn’t mean there’s no consequence to bad behaviour, but rather that you can partner together to work on their weaknesses. 

Children want boundaries

On different platforms I’ve written about how desperately children need and want boundaries. When they are restricted in a protective, nurturing way, they feel loved. And they feel guided. And they feel safe.

When we forgive

When we forgive, there is a shift in the atmosphere. There is potential for new relationship and great relief. Hope springs out of forgiveness.

And remember to forgive yourself too. That’s just as important.

Blessings, 

Sarah

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For Mothers

For Mothers: Calming the Storm

When hearts break, calm the storm.

When pain arises, calm the storm.

When injury — inside our out — happens, calm the storm.

Calming the Storm is our duty as mothers.

Calming the Storm is a necessity for re-assurance.

Calming the Storm through loving assurances, interjections of hope and courage, and big hugs, helps our children (and ourselves) to walk through the tough times, no matter how hard. We can calm the storm simply by ignoring the storm; but even better, acknowledging the storm yet rising above — that is the stuff of heroes and heroines. Teaching our children we will persevere through the storm, that’s what gives them the ability to press through adversity. 

And it’s what books are made of: Going on a Bear Hunt teaches,

You can’t go over it.

You can’t go under it.

You can’t go around it.

You’ve got to go through it!

When we teach our children life is full of fun, they learn joy, laughter and delight. 

When we teach our children life is full of challenge, they learn perseverance, integrity and hope. 

In life, we need fun, but we also need challenge, to make us the best possible people we can be. 

So, when the storms come, as mothers, we bring calm to it, and help our children to grow into the resilient and incredible people they were born to be.

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For Mothers

For Mothers: excitement

Excitement is something we all need.

Excitement keeps our adrenaline going. Excitement brings joy into our lives. Excitement is that incredible feeling of nervousness, expectancy, focus and anticipation that something good is about to happen.

What do you get excited about? How can we each teach our children it’s a joy to have something nice to look forward to.

And it’s important we follow through. 

If a child looks forward to something s/he’s been promised, it needs to come to pass. If it doesn’t, repeatedly, it will lead not only to disappointment, but ultimately, to cynicism or despair. 

Children need to learn about disappointment — that they can’t have everything they want. But if they’ve been offered something, something they look forward to, and it doesn’t come to pass, it will be felt deeply.

Remember Covid? School closure and activities cancelled. My child missed out on playing a concert in a huge professional hall with an incredible orchestra. He missed out on an air plane flying lesson. He missed out on a sky trip. It was hard knocks.

Everything he missed out on, he never went back to. 

Excitement is something we all need. Disappointment is something we all need to learn how to face. Parenting through disappointment is an art I’m still working on. 

I don’t force discussion, and I don’t force activity. But I do encourage. And if that’s the only thing I can do, well, I’ll do it with gusto.

My child may not have gone back to the activities he missed. But he still gets excited about other activities when he’s looking forward to them.

And I always hold my breath (and pray) in silence, that those activities will not be cancelled.

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For Mothers

For Mothers: A fallen sparrow needs picking up

Here’s a big question: When do we interfere with a child’s social life and when do we let him or her stumble through?

One thing I’ve learned as a teacher, a parent and a step parent 

A disappointed child, like a little sparrow who has fallen out of its nest, needs picking up. Because a fallen sparrow needs picking up, we need to learn how to do it diplomatically, respectfully, and gently. 

When a child has been emotionally shocked

He or she might say something. If their attitude to life shifts, seek out why. Even if everything seems alright, ask them about their friends by name, from time to time. Ask what’s new at school. Ask, to listen and learn from them how their social life is going.

Help them to share it with you

Disagreements are frustrating, scary and disappointing to anyone, and a child has less equipment to handle it than an adult. 

Let’s help them to discuss it — maybe not straight away, but soon. If you can hear what’s happened it will achieve two things: 

  1. You’ll know what’s happening in your child’s life and
  2. You’ll know if they’ve made a decision that might or might not be life changing and damaging to them.

If your child has made a determination about a difficult situation, a conflict, she or he may have made a life-changing decision that needs to be adjusted so they don’t carry a lasting scar. For example, forgiveness is the best way forward (so the child doesn’t become hardened or continue to live with pain or disillusionment), even if trust is broken and they can’t be buddies anymore. Help them not to hold a grudge (because it scars them) but to learn how to navigate the world of disappointment in order to grow stronger, but not harder.

Watch for shifts in behaviour.

If they’re carrying a scar from a friend or a teacher, it might show up at home: change in grades, change in attitude, change in interests. 

Asking questions, gentle encouragement, being available are ways to draw your child to open up. A person finds relief and peace when they are able to talk something through.

Be gentle

Whenever we experience a disappointment and feel let down, it can be hard to get back up again. As mums we are especially equipped to nurture our children to open up. And when they do… and they most probably will… let’s try to listen more than speak, encourage more than assess, and love more than anything else!

Hugs are healing too.

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For Mothers

For Mothers: Ice cream

Warning: This might seem obvious but just in case it’s not, I thought I’d write about this….

Most people like ice cream

Ice cream is one of those edibles that in some form or another, most people like. If you are one of the exceptions, and we all are exceptional in one way or another, if you are an exception than please feel free to substitute ice cream for sorbet or chocolate or some other edible that you do like.

Ice cream is one of those things that is a treat. Too much and it can give a belly ache but too little makes us feel deprive. Having just enough, from time to time, puts it into a bracket of a delectable enjoyable yummy edible that puts a smile on your face.

Now that I’ve defined the parameters, allow me to get to the point… 

And please forgive me if I’m stating the obvious. Nowadays, we live in such a changing world, I don’t think we can be sure we have common ground to be taken for granted with very many people. So, what is obvious to me, may not be obvious to you, dear reader.

Our children need, from time to time, an ice cream treat. It can be any flavour — preferably one of their favourites if it’s meant to be a treat for them. It can be any type, size, or time of day, though common sense might suggest it isn’t instead of nor right before a meal, nor is it so huge it makes them ill to finish it. 

From time to time, every child needs to have a treat they didn’t earn. A child needs a bit of indulgence — not too often or they become spoiled, but not too rarely or they become dejected. Just a bit, now and then, because it’s fun.

And probably they need to eat it with you present, perhaps having one with them too. That’s bonding. 

So, if you’re into diarising your time, stick in in the diary…. Once a week might be fun (though perhaps don’t tell your child that because if you do, it sort of takes away the surprise and leaves you no wriggle room if, for some reason, you can’t make the next date in the diary).

Happy Eating!

Love from Sarah

Aka: self proclaimed fastest ice cream eater in the world!

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For Mothers

For Mothers: Treat yourself

Now and then you need to treat yourself.

It doesn’t have to be much. It doesn’t even need to be material. It can be a private moment in a bathtub. It can be a gentle walk in a garden nearby your home or place of work. It might just be a phone call with a friend. Or it can be ice cream — and I’ll elaborate on that one next time…

But we do need to treat ourselves from time to time. Why? Because a treat brings with it joy; it brings stamina; it brings an uplift. 

Why do we need an uplift? We all need uplifting — at the end of a day, at the end of a stressful time, at the end of a debate. Whatever we’ve just been pouring out, we need to have something fresh poured back into us. How to do that is by taking a little retreat from the normal responsibilities and just process our thoughts, recalibrate our steps. 

A treat doesn’t have to cost money

But it does need to be something you receive, tangible or not. We need to receive something just to put a little bit more into our love tanks. 

Mothers who give need to receive. Make sure you’re receiving something, however, small, to help your love tank stay full of…. Love. 

What little treat can you have today?

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For Mothers

For Mothers: Joy in all Circumstances

For Mothers: Joy in all circumstances

No matter what, have joy in all circumstances

As you read this, you might be concerned about your rent or mortgage.

You might have food or utility bills which are beyond what you can afford.

Your children’s shoes might be torn and you need to get new ones. Maybe you have three children, and they all need new shoes.

We are in economically tough times. This is a global situation.

But no matter what, don’t let your joy go!

Always, there is something to be grateful for.

Perhaps your child found a penny!

Perhaps your child got his best grade ever!

Perhaps someone at work brought you a cup of coffee.

Don’t ignore the little things

Little things grow!

Little problems or little rewards — have a tendency to grow. Why? Because what exists tends to grow: like moss, like a plant; like mould or like sunlight.

Good things grow. Bad things grow. Unless you tend, the wild takes over.

So focus on the good little things, nurture, praise and protect them. And rather than ignore the not-so-good, transform it, or stomp it out. And go back to focusing on the good.

Whatever is good, whatever is lovely, whatever is true, think on these things!

So, don’t ignore the good little things you’re grateful for. Enjoy them. Celebrate them. Be grateful and thankful for them. 

And show your children too. They will get excited, or hopeful, or both.

Good will triumph, even if it doesn’t happen straight away. Ultimately, good will win!

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For Mothers

For Mothers: managing chaos

Keep Calm and Carry On

I didn’t grow up in Britain but arrived here as a student visitor in 1991. 

One of the things I discovered in my first year here, about the British character, was the characteristic of “keeping calm and carrying on”.

On the basis that this trait helps us face, work through, and overcome pressure, this is something our children can learn and benefit from; although expressing feelings is important to our health, so too is learning how to overcome pressure and stress, and it is a valuable life skill. It is an important part of personal development.

Patience

I did my best as a parent of a young child but on reflection, I wish I’d been more patient. Looking back over 20 years, I’m sure I could have been more patient in times of tension, and better able to help my child through times of stress.

In spite of my imperfection, my son has grown up to be a level-headed person with self control. He does, I think, have that British characteristic to “keep calm and carry on”. There’s a lot to be said for the positive influence from environment, culture and education. He’s a patient person.

So, my message today is to encourage our children to persevere, but do so with patience yourself. Find it, and apply it, and your child will be happier and more able to succeed. Whether he’s 5 tying his shoes, or she’s 15 doing her hair in some remarkable style, help to make the job easier for them but relaxing as they try. 

Building confidence in our children

And smile. 

Patience and a smile go a long way to building confidence and a “can-do” persevering nature in our children. If we keep calm and carry on, guess what!? So will they. And in my case, somehow even though I haven’t managed it until relatively recently, my son learned — through his father, through his environment, through his culture, through his determination to overcome stress — how to keep calm in chaos and not to sweat the small stuff either!

Blessings, 

Sarah

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For Mothers

For Mothers: What a Surprise!

What if your child comes home with a very strange idea?

Don’t panic!

Don’t say “No!”

Smile.

Love. Look. Listen.

Encourage truth, integrity, honesty, kindness, compassion

If your son or daughter’s “surprise” will draw them toward selfishness, cruelty, obsession, anger and fury, then it isn’t the “surprise” that is the problem but rather, something significant is probably really bothering him or her. 

If you panic, they’ll likely dig in their heels and you won’t find out what is at the root of the turn in your child.

If you object without listening, they’ll take it personally and either dig in and rebel or surrender and lose a part of their personal ambition and motivation. But if you listen, you are probably doing the very thing they need most. Usually a huge shift is a cry for help. Or a cry to be noticed. A big shift indicates an attempt to become independent. So, help them to be independent — yet safe — in stages. 

Help them to consider the consequences of this big shift

Can you engage in a conversation that will help flush out the aim of this shift?

– Where did this idea come from? Or from whom did it come?

– Does your child hope to develop new friendships through this initiative? 

– Does he/she want to make an impact in the world?

– Has he/she just discovered some people don’t have the same benefits or privileges they do, and they want to help? 

Can you suggest the possible outcomes of this shift? Be as positive as you can be whilst still being as honest. Be encouraging about their idea, and about their aim and independence, but if you’re concerned, why not share that too (once you’ve had a good bit of the listening part of the conversation) and urge them to remember their responsibilities that must be maintained through the change: such as education, loyalty to friends, health-and-fitness.

If your child has a strange idea, it isn’t perhaps strange to them

At some point, your child is going to have a desire, an interest, or a passion outside your expectation. This is a positive, as they seek to develop their own identity. Let’s celebrate with them their ambition, their courage, their ingenuity — while guiding them to balance their enthusiasm with safety and responsibility. 

We all have talents and I believe we are meant to use them. And yet, we also have responsibilities to fulfill. Encouraging our children to find a healthy, realistic balance is something we can do to build them up and to help them grow in responsibility as well.