Recently, I was speaking to a family member and heard, “I didn’t feel like it…” Around the same time, heard another person, a relative stranger, echo the same, “I didn’t feel like it.”
I believe we need to teach our children to make good decisions, not merely based on what we “feel like” but also based on what is healthy, or wise, or leading to a long-term good.
“Feel” is impulsive. “Feel” is not rational. Sometimes it is absolutely essential that we make spontaneous decisions based on what might be fun in the moment or what would keep the peace in the family — a feel good decision, one way or another.
But as a default, what we “feel like” isn’t a particularly good basis for decision-making. It’s unreliable. What if our feelings change the next day or the next week (and they are bound to).
Solid decision-making considers long term goals or long term relationships. They are strategic, and often they are based on “what might come next if…” — by looking ahead at the positive or negative outcomes a particular decision might lead to, we can make more considered choices.
How to help our children with decision-making
My first effort to encourage effective decision making was from the time my son was about two years old. “Would you like this one? Or that one?” Gave him a chance to make a decision based on the parameters I wanted him to have. Rather than an argument about whether he could have X or not, I would instead give him A or B to choose from.
As our children grow, they will watch how we arrive at decisions and make our choices.
I think the main thing is to be aware of what we hope to achieve and make a decision toward that end.
We make mistakes; our children will make mistakes. The main thing is to try to make the best decisions we can based on:
i) the information we have at the time and
ii) the goals or outcomes we are aiming to achieve.
Encouraging positive goals
As we help our child to mature, we encourage values and goals that are healthy for them — embracing their own interests and talents, encouraging realistic desires and ambitions. With the goals, it’s important to look at steps that will offer opportunities toward the fulfilment of those goals. For example, if a child aims for the Olympics, s/he needs to develop sport skills, and the opportunity to train, to engage and to compete is important. If a child wants to be a musician, s/he needs an opportunity to develop skills and apply the rigour of practice….
Finally, if a child has a goal, a balance between rest and pursuit is important. On the one hand, giving up has a consequence; if s/he doesn’t “feel like” working out on a particular day, s/he also needs to consider how important his/her long term goal is compared to what s/he wants to do today that might be in conflict with the long term plan. Children need to learn there is a cost to pursuit and there is a cost to giving up. Balance is important.
There is hard work required in order to achieve excellence. This will suit some children but not others. The goal should never, in my view, take precedence over mental health, physical health, or a social life with peers. Decisions will matter when one has a serious goal. But the goal shouldn’t get in the way of life.
Setting the stage for a healthy life
We want the best for our children: a healthy lifestyle with friends and work and play. How is this developed? With thoughtful consideration and balance.
Let’s not take anything for granted but let’s teach our children how to make decisions based not on “what they feel like”. Rather, let’s help our children to consider their goals and their current needs and to find a balance so that they are neither driven nor lethargic. One child’s desire will be another’s hell. Let’s help our children learn to listen to their hearts, not their whims, and aim for fulfilment in the long term while enjoying reaching toward that aim in healthy steps along the way.