This is an unusual post in that usually, I write to mothers raising school aged children. This time however, I’m writing about parenting adults… That is to say, I’m writing about parenting adult children. It is relevant to all though, because one day — whether now, or in 5 years or 15 years’ time — one day our children will become adults, and we need to navigate that well if we’re to keep our positive connection healthy and ticking happily along.
That said, I read recently an article which concluded that
- There is a huge issue for many parents whose children have simply abandoned the relationship, which is hugely painful and disappointing for the parent and
ii. This abandonment is a great loss for the adult children because they are missing out on love, advice and the presence of their parents.
I have issue with one aspect of ii which I’d like to share. Addressing this now can, I firmly believe, avoid in the main, having it arise in the future.
I begin with a short anecdote
My son was 17. He and I were talking a wee bit intensely about something — I can’t remember what — and he said, “You don’t respect me.”
I said, “I do respect you.” And in my heart I thought, I do respect him, though admittedly not perfectly.
Shortly thereafter, we did end our discussion in a fairly positive way, but I took his comment away… and I took it very seriously.
I think that conversation and my response to it has made “all the difference” in my relationship with my adult son.
I don’t often quote the Bible on this posting stream of For Mothers and I promise not to preach now. But there is a scenario in the Bible when Jesus encounters a man who wants his sick child healed. Jesus asks him, “Do you believe” and the man says, “Yes, I believe. Help my unbelief.”
When I heard myself say to my son, “I respect you”, I remember thinking, ‘oh, help my lack of respect!’ Sometime we need to recognise our strengths but our limitations as well, don’t we?
Have you ever had an experience where you know something to be true and possible, but you also recognise your limitations or doubt? In my case, it was as regards the challenge my son’s statement brought to me: Yes, I did respect him… but I was limited in how I respected him so I needed to learn how to show him respect more fully.
Respecting our adult children
I’ve written in the past on this stream about respecting our children to the degree which is age-appropriate. It’s important we do offer them respect, so they build self respect and so we can hear them, identify them, engage with them. And when they become adults, respect is the key to ongoing relationship I think… to recognise they are their own entities; regardless of whether we agree with their choices, we must respect their autonomy to make them. Caveat: Of course we don’t respect illegal behaviour or drug abuse or other choices that are fundamentally, no choice at all.
But the point I wish to raise lies within the suggestion above: that our adult children may sever ties with us and so they miss our love, advice and presence. I say “Yes,” to love, “Yes,” to presence, but I’m not so sure about “Yes,” to advice… certainly not unrestrained or unlimited or uninvited advice. That isn’t, in my view, respectful. I don’t think that’s a parent’s right or a healthy expectation. If advice is invited, as from a friend, that’s great! — although I hope I would render it very sparingly and delicately with my offspring, even more than with a friend… and here’s why:
Why offering advice can be a problem
We need to see our children as adults. It helps them to see us differently too.
Our children will hold a place of deferment to us as parents; it will be inherent in their make-up. Regardless of their behaviour or comment, simply by being the parent and they having been raised by us, we hold an unseen influence.
And it is natural for children to want to pave their own way (didn’t we?) and to have to carve our their own identity and purpose without us.
So, advice needs to be sparing, and asked for, and delivered with our own cautionary check, demonstrating respect for their autonomy. In other words, we need to respect their need for mental and emotional s-p-a-c-e.
What the point the writer makes in the above paraphrase could be read as suggesting that our advice should be received willingly or even agreed with. And that to my mind, is simply disrespectful.
We will always be parents but they are no longer children. We need to work at and change how we relate to them.
Would we, with a friend, impose our beliefs, opinions or advice on them?
Interference
I think we need to guard ourselves against imposing our views or insisting upon sharing our perspective, even when every fibre of our being is shouting at us to do so. Rather, we need to grow grow grow in our own ability to step back, to observe, to wait, and to listen. Otherwise, we risk interfering; that is simply not right — in my mind — to do. If we think we have a right to comment, we need to think again. We may have the privilege, if invited, to comment or express our point of view. But we do not have a right to impose our view on anyone, and it is especially our children who may be sent into inner turmoil if we do.
They want to love us and to be loved by us; they don’t want to reject us. That is inherent in the relationship. If they do reject us, it will be painful for us all. So we can help to avoid this if we learn what we must learn: to respect, to let go, and to love our children with all the passion we can muster, unconditionally. Let’s be aware that in-built into their make-up and experience, is the relationship we’ve had with them from birth: one of master and child. You’ve attempted to teach them obedience and to whatever degree or personality they have, they have absorbed it. To my belief, it is a right-thinking parent who seeks to be obeyed… But not forever. As adults, our children will need to raise their own children (if they choose to have them) and so they do not need to be answerable to their own parents.
Cultural objections
I may well be butting against cultural differences here, and so forgive me if I am. I’m speaking from a Canadian-British cultural perspective. So if cultural boundaries mean what I’m saying doesn’t fit within your culture, that’s okay. I respect that possibility. But if you’re raising your child within the Western culture in some physical location that fits roughly within the Anglo-Saxon English language culture, and your child is growing up in said culture, they will be influenced by this cultural experience and atmosphere… otherwise, what are you doing here?!… (which raises another “multicultural/socio-political” aspect entirely, which I won’t address here)
Separating our needs and expectations
If we want our children to be healthy adults, we need to let them go to develop their own priorities and beliefs. They will come back to us unless they’ve been brainwashed or have an addiction — either of which they may well overcome in the fullness of time. And when they return: next hour, next day, next year, we will be ready with open arms. We may decide to tell them it’s been a painful separation but to say “so glad you’re here” is healing for both parties and gives the room to move forward in the relationship. Just as we’ve sown good principles into their hearts and minds as we’ve raised them, some of those will still be operating and we can enjoy that. As for the rest, we need to let them discover for themselves, what truths they will live by, and to teach their children. The point is, it is all up to them.
At the heart
At the heart of the matter, we as parents want to maintain a thriving relationship with our children forever, and certainly into and throughout adulthood. Some parents aren’t experiencing that as per the article I read. So what can we do about it now and later, to mitigate that eventuality?
I believe the key is respect. If we seek to be loved, heard, and seen, then we need to love and respect our children, and especially our adult children… because they are adults; they may be our offspring, but they are children no longer.
What can we do rather than to offer advice
As parents, we need to search our own consciences, and do all we can to discover our own weaknesses and deal with them. We must resist the urge to judge or advise unsolicited, our point of view with our adult children, pouring out our expectations or insights upon them. That’s control! That’s not allowing them to live their lives; it robs them of self discovery. If we haven’t searched our own hearts, and dealt with our own hopes or expectations to ensure we aren’t imposing upon them, it isn’t right that we should judge them. That may be the very reason an adult child has stopped relating to us.
I believe resolutely that it is up to us to be the parents: to be the role models of patience and humility, to love them unconditionally, to respect their choices (don’t we often have to agree to disagree with our friends and colleagues?) and to be available for them as they navigate the very experiences of work, marriage and family that we have lived through. We may well be a wealth of information and good advice. But if we want the opportunity to offer it, we need to give them the space to ask or, at least we need to have the courtesy to ask if we may make comment and accept their answer.
Is it better to say nothing and keep the relationship intact? Usually. And if we’re tempted to jump in, let’s wait to see what they say or do first. As mothers, do we have a tendency to try to mitigate disaster?Certainly that’s true for me. But I must resist the urge, particularly once my child is an adult.
And if we are offended for not being asked, or if we feel pain and anxiety unless we can give our opinion, I’d say these are alarm bells! This is your problem to deal with separately… Please, don’t make it theirs. That will only tear their hearts and — quite possibly — severely limit the contact they are willing to give.
Let’s look at it from their perspective
Can you put yourself in their shoes?:
The world is big and scary. Sometimes it’s very difficult to navigate. But you know you have to try!
Then amongst the facing of a difficult boss or work problem, or an angry, sick, or detached loved one (spouse, best friend or significant other), one of your parents is making demands or is offering their well-intended advice? But you’re trying to learn on your own because you want the satisfaction of solving the problem. Or you know how best to move forward but it doesn’t line up with your parent’s way of thinking? What do you do? Perhaps you silence the voice that is obstructing your thinking process.
As parents, let’s not be the obstruction.