I used to lose my temper. If I lose my temper again, I’ll know why…
When I was a teenager, it was because I wasn’t being heard.
When I was an adult, it was because I was frustrated at not being heard.
As a parent, it has been because my child wasn’t listening to me.
Spot the pattern!
Whenever I felt ignored, not heard, ultimately, I got cross. But what was at the root of that feeling ignored? Fear. As a teen, fear of being over-ruled. As a peer, fear of being unloved. As a parent, fear of not having control when I should.
I was afraid.
I was afraid of having no control over my situation. I was afraid. That’s the bottom line.
I’m not afraid anymore. Or if I am ever afraid now, I spot it, and realise there is nothing to fear — or if there is, I can’t control the situation — I can’t control others. So I can relax.
Anger and temper have at their root: frustration and fear
If we realise we can’t control others, and stop trying, anger won’t get the better of us.
As a parent, if I don’t get angry, I’ll remain patient. And that will give me the leverage as a parent to navigate the lack of cooperation I might be getting from my child. And that will allow conversation, negotiation, peace, and progress.
And I’m all for progress!