For Mothers, giving advice is easy. What’s harder (at least for me) is to know when to give advice and when to stay silent — to let our children learn from experience.
It’s quite natural to want to protect our children.
One of the beauties of a dad…. and of course I’m stereotyping here so forgive me in advance…. one of the beauties of dads is that they are far less likely to interfere with a child’s natural development. That’s what I reckon and in my small sphere of reference, that’s what I’ve seen. Dads tend to let children explore and fall down, where mothers nurture and protect from calamity. Both parenting styles are important to a child’s development, I think… But I digress.
I mention dads only in contrast to the more common way of mothers, which is to train, teach, interfere, protect and defend our children from harm.
And protecting children from possible harm is where I came in… in raising the subject of giving advice.
To give or not to give
That is the question! And if I had a definitive answer, I’d offer it most certainly.
If I give advice, I can undermine my child’s own thinking processes. If I give advice to my son, I may undermine his self confidence, or give the message I don’t trust his judgment, or convey my fear and doubt in him as a person.
If I don’t give advice, my child may miss an opportunity. Or he may fall into peril. Or fail.
Less is more
When we operate out of fear, we fail. We need to teach our children courage and perseverance. We need to model for them confidence and forbearance. And so it is best when we are fearful, to sort ourselves out first, before offering advice. (That’s no mean feat sometimes, by the way.) And besides, making a decision when we are fearful is most likely to draw a bad decision anyway, based on inner panic, anxiety and apprehension rather than well-thought out planning…. The irony that I’m giving advice to you dear reader, is not lost on me. But you can choose to be influenced by me, or not.
Our children will be influenced by us — no matter what they may decide — simply because we are their mothers. I sometimes have to remind myself of that. By the facts of history and relationship, I will always be of significant influence on my child. (This is a reality my son reminds me of.)
And so, offering our advice less often is likely to yield better growth and gradually, better decisions.
How can we know when to offer advice?
First and foremost, love is the answer.
When we operate out of love, we cannot fail.
We might give wrong advice, but when it’s out of love, it’s more likely to yield a good result. Even if it proves to be bad advice, at least you and your child are closer for the experience. And you’ll have learned something from it.
And when we operate out of love, we aren’t be influenced by our own emotions. Instead, we’re able to be calm, rational, analytical, methodical, drawing from our wisdom of experience, and hopeful for a good outcome.
That in itself will yield a good outcome.
Giving advice is easy. Giving good advice is harder. Giving loving advice is a protection against being driven by the wrong decision-factors. It also provides encouragement and the intimacy of a mother’s love. — and that is indispensable.