As a mother, I tend to be quite self-critical. I think that’s pretty common amongst us mums, isn’t it? And so I’d like to share my thoughts on forgiving ourselves.
Forgiving myself
My son is splendid. I like him as a person in his own right. And I’m “proud” of him. That’s to say, while I don’t seek to be boastful about him, or pat myself on the back for how he’s turning out, I really respect him and think his values and priorities are pretty “spot on” — as we say in Britain.
So, how is this topic of Forgiving Ourselves of relevance then?
Well, as I allow my son to get on with his life, making his decisions freely, I have spare thinking time. The percentage of my time which used to be concentrated on wondering if he’s okay and whether he’s going to be a decent and responsible human being, is now taken up — I suppose — on what I might have done differently and better.
Memories
I remember times when I was too blunt with him, or too harsh with his penalties. Is that what has helped him to be responsible? Or did I just make him miss out on nice things because he made a mistake in judgment? Did I hurt him?
I seem to linger on memories of late. Perhaps that’s just because he’s away and turning 20, and I’m reflective. Or perhaps it’s because if I could do this child-rearing all over again, I’d do some things differently.
I guess in my own mind, it’s a bit of both.
Humour
I wish I’d been more upbeat, using humour to gain cooperation. And I wish I’d fostered his sense of humour more, because he’s certainly got a good one!
Humour eases tension. Humour draws closeness of mind, drawing us to be “on the same track”. Humour helps us to find the lighter side of things. Humour teaches us too, to interact in a more easy-going way.
Listening
I wish I’d been a better listener with him. He was a great talker. But I’m sure there were many things, thoughts he shared or concerns he had, that I didn’t really hear properly. If I had, I might have been more helpful to him.
Forgiveness
I honestly can’t think of a single thing my child ever did that I didn’t forgive. In fact, I can’t think of anything anyone has ever done that ultimately, I haven’t forgiven.
But for me, letting go of my own shortcomings is the hardest forgiveness to offer. I guess I’d better forgive myself for not forgiving myself better (LOL).
I hope this reflection might be of help to some others reading. We all need to let go of our past mistakes (though learning from them will help us not to repeat them!).
Sarah