Divorce is tragic for children. Losing home stability is devastating and scarring for children. Perhaps you have experienced it — either as a child or as a parent. Have you gone through a divorce? How can we navigate — to make the best of our current situation, to minimise the suffering, both for our children as well as for ourselves?
For mothers, divorce must be devastating, scary, even if it offers some relief or peace. Divorce is not an easy decision and often is not of our own making but rather something “thrust upon us”. Either way, how do we ensure our child(ren) overcome the pain of a family splitting up?
If our children aren’t experiencing it personally, what if they see one of their friends going through it, how can we support our child to feel secure in their own family and not be fearful it could happen to them? And as they watch their friend experience such a loss, how can we help them to be supportive to their friend?
How can we personally help another — adult or child — going through divorce?
Looking outward
First and foremost, I believe we need to look beyond ourselves, our own situation, and look outward to what positive possibilities lie ahead of us. That can be really tough to do. But as we do, as we rebuild hope, hope will carry us beyond today, looking ahead — toward tomorrow.
Having friends who build us up, encourage us, make us laugh, engage us, is a healthy distraction to occupy our minds. These people are helpful and a blessing.
I lost my husband due to illness a few years ago, and it was sudden and very sad. Our son was 16 years old son at the time.
How did I get through? Well, I’m a Christian so first and foremost, I allowed GOD to help me, but He also gave me wisdom to look outward, look upward, and trust and hope in the future. When something like divorce hits us, no matter how well prepared we might be, it isn’t an easy ride. And so, it’s important to give self pity no place and give hope all the space in the world!
No bitterness
I recommend we make no room for bitter feelings to take root. That can adversely effect our children and make our own heart hard, making us temperamental, tense, miserable, cynical. Instead, I encourage us to grieve* and then to forgive.
Forgiveness — is not forgetting or trusting again
What is forgiving? It is letting go, refusing to hold the past in the present.
Forgiving is saying, “I may be hurt and wounded, but I’m releasing [the other person] so that I can overcome this current pain.”
Forgiving is acknowledging [the other person] really hurt me, but I’m not going to hold it against them.
Now, forgiveness is not saying “you’re off the hook” or “I must trust you again” or “I’ll pretend like you never did X to me.” Rather, forgiveness is saying, “I choose not to hold this against you and I hope the best for you… even if we cannot be close anymore.”
The Power of Forgiveness
The power of forgiveness cannot be understated or underestimated.
When there were serious troubles in Northern Ireland, there was murder and assassination. But those who forgave, left an indelible impression on the media and on those families who perpetrated crime and brought devastation.
If you really want revenge, a great strategy is to heap coals of forgiveness on he who has caused pain in your family. There is nothing like kindness to wake someone up to their own failings. And after all, isn’t the best way forward to learn and to grow?
Teaching our children
If your child has been through a divorce, reassure him/her of your love, and of their father’s love. The children will need reassurance.
If your child is angry, bitter, afraid, can you encourage him/her to receive a hug from you? Can you help them to express their thoughts and feelings? If your child is watching another child go through divorce, you can reassure them it is not going to happen to them?
Divorce is a part of our society
Sadly, divorce is a part of life in Western society. Let’s hope it won’t effect you. Let’s hope it won’t effect your children. But let’s be aware of the reality in our day, and love, love, love through it if or when it does arise within our sphere of influence, no matter how remote.
* Expression of our grief is highly under-rated. Grieving allows us to put our emotions before us, express them, and by expressing them, we can heal and move forward. That’s a lot better than squashing down our hurts, pretending they don’t exist, and letting it stew under the surface. In that sense, grief is a gift, and a necessary part of learning to cope with and overcome a difficult or tragic situation.