For mothers, being heard is important. We need to set boundaries for our kids so that the home runs smoothly and that our children can develop within a framework that allows them to grow while remaining safe and secure — physically and emotionally.
For mothers, being heard is key to building relationship with our children: we need to be heard and we need to recognise our children also need to be heard… and the literal volume isn’t the issue!
It’s easy to say but harder to find ways to listen, to speak, to hear and to be heard.
Don’t wait to share our lives
Listening: Share your life and encourage your children to share theirs. Take in interest in their friends, their hobbies, their interests. Learn from them what matters to them and if they come with a problem, listen rather than jump in to resolve it.
Speaking: Encourage dialogue, from a small age, throughout the teen years — which is generally more difficult — and into adulthood. Eat together, go on excursions and holidays together. Turn off the phone or leave it at home so you can be together.
Hearing: What is behind their concerns? What haven’t they learned yet that you might be able to offer suggestions so they’ll think about their situation and try to resolve it themselves. Feed back to them what you think they’re saying, so that they can clarify.
Being heard: Sometimes share and ask them to listen to you — keeping it fairly trivial because your personal concerns will be too much for them to handle, unless of course it is a concern about their welfare.
Don’t assume
Hold on to the beautiful relationship you have when they’re little because that may have to carry you through their teens. Mourn the distance if there is one as they grow, but don’t hold it against them. Just keep the dialogue going, however sporadic, however disappointing, however silent they seem to be. The distance won’t last forever, if you hold on, are available (but not a door matt) and continue to show your unconditional love.
Time is on your side
Nothing lasts forever; neither a good nor a difficult situation remains the same. Life ebbs and flows, and circumstances change.
You have a life long relationship with your children. Make it the best it can be by keeping a good dialogue going, forgiving their shortcomings, loving unconditionally, teaching where there are opportunities, and accepting what you cannot change.
This is the learning curve all of us are on.
Blessings,
Sarah