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Reflections and Poetry

Transformation: life with — and without Alan: a reflection

I woke up this morning and for just a second, I forgot my husband was dead. It gave me the opportunity to recognise how much GOD has been transforming me, as well as the gift of experiencing once again, however briefly, life with Alan.

And when I remembered life with Alan, I felt whole. 

I’m able to contrast how different the feeling inside of me is, from what I used to live. No matter how much courage the LORD provides, no matter how much assurance I feel, no matter how safe I am, there is a hole. By his grace, I have avoided self pity. By his grace, I do not wake in the morning in floods of tears or weighed down with a sense of grief. Supernaturally, the LORD has covered me and through the prayers of brothers and sisters in Christ, for which I am hugely grateful, I am okay:) But there is a hole where Alan was in my life and life for just a second this morning did not have that hole. I was freer, lighter and more assured, just for a split second. Thank you LORD for revealing the contrast, because in the contrast, I can see a little of the pathway you are carving out for me…

Processing life

I have a tendency to process my thoughts and feelings. By process I mean “to put into context who I am in Jesus”, where I am going, and where I came from.  What I’m about to write is candid, earnest, and a reflection of my innermost thoughts. I do this because I hope it will be useful to someone else, and because I’m lacking people to talk to who have known me for much of my life. My husband of 28 years is gone, my family is far away, my parents passed away some time ago, and friends and Christian family around me have not known me very long. This is partly because we moved around quite a bit and so roots are shallow — because of the relatively short space of time I’ve lived where I am now, and partly because like most people, I don’t reveal myself completely, I’m not surrounded by people who know me really well. I hide, or try to hide, the imperfections, and put on my kindest, warmest persona in public.


But like so many of us, I am deeply imperfect. 

Yesterday I had a conversation with a sister in Christ. Apparently, I had spoken a couple of things in a prayer meeting that jarred with others. It’s really good that this sister came forward to share with me, and also really good that we could have an honest conversation. There was no defensiveness in me, and no blame from her. Hallelujah! GOD was present in us both. To describe the conversation will take me on a tangent but it is important to the point I am seeking to make in this post which is that GOD is available in every moment, every encounter.

We chatted as women do… Then she said that a couple of people had come to her after our most recent online meeting, unsettled by a couple of things I’d said. Would I mind if she told me what was was their concern?

I like honesty, however, history reared its head and I thought of gossip and hearsay and the pain that these has caused in my life. So I said that I prefer when someone speaks to me directly.

But in the end we both clarified and she went ahead to say that by my encouraging a two people in the meeting, in fact I had therefore discouraged those whom I hadn’t encouraged. I never saw encouragement/discouragement in that light before. 

Secondly, I had made a theological point in the meeting which is that when we overcome something, we gain in the Spirit, an authority over it. I used Covid as an example, which I have had and have overcome (and I suppose I should have used back aches or something less inflammatory). I suspect like the first example, the others took me to mean I have authority in something others haven’t, which is not what I said, nor what I meant, but nevertheless my words carry responsibility and I had spoken somewhat carelessly.

My sister knew I did not intend to hurt and she was gracious. She wondered if I might be feeling a strain after Alan had passed away. I also shared that in the last few weeks I had felt pushed in busyness beyond my comfort zone, and had spent relatively little time to be still with the LORD, which I craved.

Busyness

I have noticed for a few weeks, maybe up to four, that I have had far less time to sit with the LORD, and have been drawing on my inner resources to do some work that needs to be done. Today I noticed I was a little short-tempered with a customer service person who had rung me for information on a kitchen delivery*. Oh, fortunately, I didn’t lose my temper, but internally, I was tense and I know that reflected onto our conversation.

I have been making a lot of decisions lately: the paperwork mostly finished as the executor to Alan’s estate, the result is income coming in and responsibility for decision-making going out, and a little arrogance at my ability to manage has likely crept in.

Manage is a relative term of course. Firstly, if our temperament is affected or our character hampered, we are not really coping or managing. I firmly believe that to the degree we are in our own strength rather than moving with the Holy Spirit, that is a degree of failure. We all are failed and that’s why we need Jeshua / Jesus. I assure you dear reader, that am not being hard on myself. By his grace, I have come a long way in the 35+ years walking with Him, Hallelujah! But with Alan’s passing, a huge anointing/covering/blessing has been put into, over or upon me, and some of that has receded in recent weeks, largely due to a lack of time spent being still with GOD.

I think the LORD revealed to me this morning where I was in my spiritual journey a few months ago by giving me a glimpse of life before Alan died, so I could see how much in these few months since his illness, I have grown.

And I think the phone call from a dear sister give me a glimpse of how I’d fallen a little out of that growth in recent days.

Always thanking GOD

Every encounter, every moment, we are graced by GOD. Sometimes I wonder, have we been over-trained in spiritual warfare and do we sometimes look at discomfort in our lives as an attack, rather than as a lesson or warning? We can embrace the moments of discomfort as part of our learning, and when we do, we gain self discovery and a deepening of Jesus within us.

A fine balance between confidence and humility, arrogance and inner strength

What I have learned is that all goodness, all good gifts, truly do come from GOD. I am not a good person without Him. I am not a kind person without Him. I am not a wise person without Him.

By His grace and His grace alone, I am living without feeling miserable today — or any day. By his love, I am loving. Through His joy, I laugh. By His mercy I am able to cry — to release sadness — and then to feel alive again.

I need the grace of GOD

I need the grace of GOD in my life more than I’ve ever needed it before, because I have more decisions, more encounters, more responsibility than I have ever had before. His grace has been carrying me, and I ask LORD, please fill me with continually with your grace.

Apology


To anyone I’ve grieved recently, I’m truly sorry. To anyone I’ve been abrupt with or impatient with, I apologise. To anyone I’ve not expressed gratitude at a kindness, please forgive me. To anyone to whom my words have brought confusion, I am sorry, for GOD is not the author of confusion.

I am not my normal self. Folks will give me a lot of latitude for that, because out of compassion they recognise I am a recent widow and I am going through a difficult time; I fully appreciate their grace. But also, by His grace, and only His grace, I hope I never will be the same again, because I hope He will continue to improve me and grow me.

I want to continue with “The Life is in the Blood” journey of Alan’s battle with Covid and his hospitalisation because, in a way, it speaks for Alan. I’ve not posted anything of it in the last few weeks. I hope you’ll bear with me when there are breaks. 

Every blessing.

* Alan and I purchased some rental flats which I’ve been managing for fourteen years; one of them has needed a new kitchen for some time and a recent vacancy has allowed me the opportunity to have one installed.

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Reflections and Poetry

The Finely Dressed Man: a poem

Once upon a time

There was a finely dressed man

He lived here and there

to fulfil his mandate

Blessing others

By teaching the Word.

*

Then one day

He spoke against the Virus

Thought it was overblown

til it blew him away

To heaven he went

Leaving surprise in his wake.

*

What are we to do?

Now that he is gone

Trust in the LORD

though the man was not restored;

Instead misperception led him

Now with his Maker.

*

We live one life

Making most of our moments

The finely dressed man

gave love and wisdom away

Where was supply

When he needed it most?

*

GOD knows, loves

And He forgives

God bears witness

of our love for Him

When all are gone

He remains, embracing.

*

Once upon a time

Was this finely dressed man

Who loved and was loved

til the end of his time

Now he stands dressed in majesty

Before his LORD.

*

Clothes don’t make the man

But GOD dresses him

In love, truth, beauty and joy

To wear his heart

Carry his dream

Always heavenward.

*

Once upon a time

Was the finely dressed man

Too shortly spent 

he came, he went

When heaven sent

Then all lament.

*

It is done, it is done

Life is finished 

All too soon….

Yet the finely dressed man

Amongst the Cloud of Witnesses

Rejoices.

*

Robed in the company 

Of angels.

Categories
Reflections and Poetry

Life: A Leaf – a reflection

Life is like a leaf —

delicate and beautiful

We can let go the tree

and float and drift

Or hang onto the stock,

maintain our nutrients.

Though most may let go

I remain

where safety and freedom

suspend in equal balance.

The Lord is our rock —

he is also the Tree of Life

Remaining in him we choose

complete freedom

in security.

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Reflections and Poetry

Decision-making: Flying solo – a reflection

The hardest part about losing one’s spouse, after the initial tragedy has been overcome, is the decision-making alone.

Alan and I made decisions together. In fact, we often saw a different perspective and didn’t agree…. but we discussed and worked out the way forward. Alone, there is no one to work out the choices, no one to debate or discuss with, no one to check my perspective; I am alone.

I caught myself feeling sorry for myself yesterday. It’s a no-go area…. Life ebbs and flows. We all face difficult circumstances. Some experience persecution, some loss, some irritating inconvenience. But each of us must rise above the circumstances, “walk on water”, trust — and lean upon — GOD and know He is our advisor, our shelter, our love and our friend.

Proverbs 3:5-6 says, “Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge Him and He will make straight your paths.”

Peace comes from knowing and trusting Father GOD. It does not come from our circumstances. Loneliness can be overcome far more easily when we trust Him. So, I seek His advice, perspective, through prayer, reading the word, asking friends for insight (and then weighing it), and through resting in Him. 

I have many decisions and choices to make along life’s way. I miss Alan being in that process. But GOD didn’t allow this situation to abandon me. He allowed it so that I might draw more closely upon Him. And I am. Hallelujah!

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Reflections and Poetry

Life is in the Blood: ICU – second phase of Covid p3

The Life is in the Blood:

Visions from the LORD, prayers of others

There were so many images of life ahead for Alan, there was so much encouragement from a vast network of believers who were praying, there was so much hope and confidence in the LORD, as I navigated through the time of Alan’s unconsciousness. 

The steadfast prayers of the saints, some of whom I know — and many who got wind of Alan’s illness through that network and were praying through — these were such a huge support which kept me going. In fact, those who prayed for Alan have gone on to pray for us as a family since, and I find it absolutely remarkable how well we are doing in spite of Alan’s passing away. 

I am aware of GOD’s presence and know the prayers of His faithful saints are making such an impact on an otherwise horrible situation.

Two pathways

On several occasions, two parallel paths presented themselves to me, and I always chose the one of life. 

Dream: dressed in black

One morning I awoke from a dream in which I was wearing black — the quintessential funeral clothing. I prayed against anything that could be deemed an obvious interpretation.

I shared it with a prayer network as well, a group of fine prayerful folk, who also prayed against an outcome to Alan’s hospitalisation where I would be wearing black.

Although fleeting, two different paths that would lead from Alan’s intubation: one of death and one of life, came to mind from time to time. I don’t remember anything specific, just that there were two possibilities. I dismissed one.

I always chose to observe the thought, path, expectation that Alan would lived. I thought that was how the LORD was calling me to focus. In hindsight, perhaps he was letting me know it might go either way.

Release to the LORD

Three weeks after Alan regained consciousness, with steady improvement in fits and starts, and doctors at last expecting him to live, Alan was exhausted and asking when he could leave ICU.

I remember as I drove home from hospital the day Alan had stomach pain, the same day Dr M had begun the information sessions to give Alan context for his current situation (as mentioned in the last blog post), I remember distinctly passing the shops I have passed many times, and I said,

“LORD, you said Alan would recover, and I believe You. I turn it all over to you. Whatever outcome you decide, I surrender to…”

Hours later I would get a call to say Alan’s condition had worsened; the stomach pain had been a marker indicating some complications had arisen. Hours after that, I was invited in to hospital; moments after arrival, I was told Alan was not going to survive the night.

We must surrender

In all things, we must trust GOD. Did I give up on Alan? No! Did I give up on the power of GOD? No. What I did was give GOD the freedom to do as He knew best. 

After Alan’s passing, one dear friend said the LORD had told him that… “Alan was tired and just wanted to come home.”

I believe that if my release on that drive home the day before Alan died had any effect, it was to release the LORD to give Alan an answer to his prayer — to be set free from exhaustion and pain.

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Reflections and Poetry

LIFE IS IN THE BLOOD: Return to Consciousness – Third Phase of Covid p2

The Life is in the Blood:

The lack of family in hospital during the Covid pandemic took its toll on the patients, the families but also on the doctors.

Doctors said to me how rare and special it was to be able to meet family members. The pandemic made things very different in hospital; the doctors missed family contact just as families missed the freedom to visit the hospital.

Blinded by lack of support

Doctors were unable to see some of the little things or patterns that family could see, or they could misinterpret a situation, sometimes because they could not know their patients personally and because they had so many patients on which to attend. 

A family member has only one patient to observe

A significant part of the tragedy of Covid is the separation between patients and their doctors from the family. That tragedy played out in Alan’s situation. Through no fault of anyone, the lack of encounter with family limited doctors’ information and made it harder for them to care for their patients.

Face to face encounters with Doctors

Some particularly poignant moments I had with doctors come to my mind while Alan was on the ventilator and afterward.

Doctor D

I met Doctor D on the way in to visit Alan while Alan was still on the ventilator. The doctor was concerned, and described Alan’s life as “on a knife edge”.

I simply said, “Alan will recover” — and muttered I was saying that for him, to encourage him. He said it was good to have faith. But I don’t think he quite grasped what I was implying…

Dr M

By nature, Doctor M was more detached than Doctor D. We sat near Alan’s bedside and spoke about the severity of Alan’s situation. I asked that he be given Vitamin D and the doctor said he’d look into it but that it was most likely he could do that (and it was carried out routinely thereafter). I asked for Ivermectin but Dr M said “No… it was untested.” I asked for Zinc. He didn’t acknowledge. 

Other Vitamins

Doctors don’t really comprehend the benefits of vitamins and nutrition to the patient. For the most part, they are trained in medicine, to use medicine to help and cure. So when I asked for CQ10 to “feed” the mitochondria within his body which was surely being depleted with repeated blood thinning, they didn’t pick up on this request. I don’t think they understood. I don’t think they made the connection.

Phone Calls with Doctors

I had a very long conversation with Dr J, who wanted to know why I vehemently disagreed with the use of what I call “head meds” for Alan after he’d come back to consciousness and, after a week of ICU life, was demonstrating consequences of sleep deprivation and exhaustion. 

I said, “just because you cannot see something doesn’t mean it isn’t there” alluding to hallucinations that patients in Alan’s situation experience. I said the meds left him defenceless and I could pray from a distance but it would be much better to come in person. 

He said, “I suppose we just have different world views.”

I replied, “Not at all. I see the world completely as you see it in the natural. I just see another entire spiritual realm as well, that you do not see.”

I believe there was fruit in that respectful and focused conversation. It didn’t change the prescription, sadly. Alan did get through that phase after about a week, but I do think it knocked him hard in the meantime. He was not his usual focused, confident self during that week.

Closing the Gap

There were two particular topics that needed addressing during the time Alan was in ICU, having returned to consciousness, which I raised with doctors or nurses over the phone, but which took time to filter through. Eventually a consultant heard me and treatment was addressed.

Dr M2

I remember saying at least three times to different medical staff that Alan needed information about where he was, what time it was, how he’d come to be in ICU, how long he’d been unconscious… any information that would help him have context for what was occurring in the present. One nurse suggested he wasn’t engaging, and when asked “What will you do when you leave hospital,” he had replied, “Try to figure out what happened.” She interpreted that remark as his being depressed or dwelling on the past. I encouraged her to give him information, said he was only trying to work out a context for his condition. “He’s a barrister, he thrives of facts.”

But it wasn’t until I spoke with Dr M2, one of the regular consultants — two weeks later, that action began to be taken.

I said to Dr M2 that Alan was not demotivated or depressed but was lacking information and needed to know what he had gone through, so that he’d have context; giving Alan information would be like providing water in the desert. He said that sort of debriefing usually happened after ICU. 


But I had got through. The next day, which would prove to be the last full day of Alan’s life, Dr M2 came to consult while I was visiting Alan. The team that does the debriefing had been earlier that morning, and had begun to set up a programme to feed Alan information.

Though sometimes late, the doctors never gave up trying to rescue Alan from the Covid aftermath.

Thinning the Blood

Dr H was the first doctor who, after several attempts with others, finally acknowledged that a particular blood thinner was causing Alan’s blood pressure to drop to critically low levels and this was taking a huge toll on Alan’s general progress. It was some time fairly early in Alan’s regaining of consciousness that he first acknowledged the detriment, but I mention it only now because of the irony….

First they reduced the blood thinner, then they stopped it altogether, after I pleaded and pointed out a pattern which showed that following infection they gave him particular blood thinner which triggered a very bad reaction that “knocked the stuffing out of him”. Beginning even before ICU, three or four times Alan experienced the same detrimental effect. Finally, the medication was deemed to cause the equivalent of an allergic reaction. 

He would no longer be given that medication, nor a substitute.

But it was too late.

Sad irony

The life is in the blood. Alan’s life ebbed away. Too much medicine, not enough nutrition, and the body died. The soul and spirit lives on, in comfort, joy and bliss. We know this. And that is the remarkable truth of the Gospel. 

My prayer

I hope and pray that doctors, nurses and other medical staff who attended Alan and who encountered us both, will discover the Lord Jesus for themselves. Medicine is good, often remarkable. But Jesus is always remarkable and always good.

Every blessing to you until next time….

Categories
Reflections and Poetry

Hope in the Psalms

The perfect verse for today

“Oh, turn to me, and have mercy on me!

Give Your strength to Your servant,

And save the son of Your maidservant.

Show me a sign for good,

That those who hate me may see it and be ashamed,

Because You, LORD, have helped me and comforted me.”

(Psalm 86:16-17)

This is a little-known verse to me but it jumped out this morning.

This week hasn’t been easy. Most days since my husband passed away, I have felt lifted up, lighter, for the LORD has borne my burden. But this week I have felt heavier, more isolated than before. I think the reason is because I’ve had more work and less reflection time.

Today this Word jumped out at me, and I am given restoration. For though it is true that so many people have propped me up with their prayers, helped me with their wisdom, encouraged me with their time, there are still those who oppose Jesus and so oppose me.

And my son, still a minor, has been coping too. Now the end of the school year and all that it entails approaches. He has done well. I’ve watched and seen him manage himself. And so that this verse includes him, makes me happy and full of hope.

Encouragement

So, do not forget to dwell with the LORD as much as you need. That is the message to myself and to us all. Dwelling — abiding (as Jesus calls it in John 15) is a gift we must not ignore. It is vital! Scripture gives us food for life. And restores our very souls.


Hallelujah, “He restores my soul” (Psalm 23:3)

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Reflections and Poetry

Third Phase of Covid: part 1 Visions with the LORD

The Life is in the Blood:

Visions with the LORD

There were moments surrounding my prayer exchanges with friends — mostly on WhatsApp groups and sometimes over the phone — that I found myself interacting with GOD in such an intimate way that He deepened my trust in Him and gave me a sense of direction for Alan’s healing. The LORD led me to scriptures and revealed pictures to me, which I thought confirmed His initial word, “Alan will recover”.

A particularly poignant time while Alan was still on the ventilator began with one scripture coming to mind repeatedly. It was from Exodus — which seemed perfectly apt: We certainly needed an exodus from the ventilator! 

The scripture was, “Stand still and see the salvation of the LORD…” (Exodus 14:13)

After receiving this word in my spirit several times, I took the LORD literally and stood up, on three consecutive days, gazing out the bedroom window and praying in tongues; I expected to see the LORD’s salvation.

Day 1

It took many minutes the first day, but gradually, I began to see what the LORD wanted to reveal to me. He showed me Alan, dancing, and then dancing with me. Alan looked younger and much healthier than at present, and as he smiled, I smiled.

The experience lasted several minutes and I cherished it. It was as though Alan was already well. It was like a promise, one that I held on to.

Day 2

The next day, I observed in the Spirit as doctors examined Alan. Several stood over him, looking at his internal organs, in particular at his kidneys, and then his heart. They simply stared and I, watching them stare, wondered: Are they operating or staring incredulously at a miracle healing? 

I remember smiling, trusting GOD, and becoming excited in anticipation of the fulfilment of the moment.

Day 3

The third day, Alan beckoned me to climb a mountain. And as he climbed, sprite and energetic, I knew: Alan was well.

Still ill

But in the natural, the days passed and Alan did not revive, not yet. He was on the ventilator a total of 25 days.

Apart from the observations in the Spirit, I remember weeks further forward to a time after Alan had regained consciousness, and the LORD revealed to me the meticulous way in which Alan’s kidneys were being knit together to full restoration; the nephron — one by one — were cleared and restored as though a crochet hook or stitch ripper gently but relentlessly pulled contamination from each one. 

It was amazing! I shared it with Alan one day in hospital. He simply nodded his acceptance and agreement.

Trust GOD’s healing

So, why was it that, in spite of the kidneys being healed supernaturally, the medics still used the kidney machine… thinning the blood each time they put Alan on it (a necessity to prevent the machine from clogging)? 

Why was it that the doctors didn’t recognise the healing, nor recognise the side effect of the thinning of his blood?

Why did they initially interpret Alan’s lack of motivation two weeks after regaining consciousness as aloofness or depression, rather than disorientation and exhaustion from the strain on his heart and his body over weeks of poly-medication, the chaos of ICU, and overall trauma on his body? 

How was it they didn’t see it was the thinning of the blood, a medical strategy they used to protect his heart, which was sapping the life out of Alan?

Alan had excellent medical care from a determined and capable medical staff

“The life is in the blood.” (Leviticus 17:11)

Alan’s life was waining before my eyes, but the doctors just didn’t see it as I saw it. Why did they not hear me, when I spoke so clearly and purposefully? 

The tragic result of separation of family from patient

In large measure I think the doctors didn’t hear me because I was not present in hospital. Because of the contagion of the virus, visitation was extremely limited, and the opportunity to observe and speak to medics in a casual way was not available. There was little relationship and so there was little continuity between the family of the patient and the doctors. Everything I said over the phone was charted and yet, it took several times of sharing one concept before it was responded to, and the delays eventually would cost Alan his life.

I remember once saying, “I am not a doctor and do not have your knowledge and experience. You have thousands of patients, but I only have one… I think I see patterns that you perhaps cannot see.”

This, perhaps most of all, was the reason opportunities were overlooked and Alan’s illness was prolonged until his life simply wore away to nothing. 

And of course there was Covid itself, a horrible disease which is still shrouded in mystery.

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Reflections and Poetry

The Life is in the Blood: ICU Second Phase of Covid p3 Consultants

The Life is in the Blood: Consultants

Drawing battle lines and building encouragement with Dr J, Dr M, Dr C.

Dr J

My first face to face encounter with a consultant during Alan’s hospitalisation was with youngish doctor who professed to be “in charge” in a manner I found full of self-consciousness, so I didn’t believe him.

At that point I was battling feelings of stress and despair, without giving in to either. I feel for that doctor, as I look back, because I was intent on blocking any words of defeat, any proclamations of the possibility of Alan not surviving. I was not rude, but I was tough, and that — I expect — is not what he expected.

Consultants

I had many telephone conversations with doctors over the 10 weeks of Alan’s hospitalisation. Doctors would ring to give updates. Whenever I had a call from a junior doctor I knew all was well. To me, it meant the hospital staff were confident regarding Alan’s condition. Sometimes I rang to speak to a nurse and a consultant answered. Each was always willing to discuss Alan’s case with me. At no time did I ever feel rushed.

I had two particular face-to-face encounters with consultants which were particularly noteworthy, for those of you reading who are tracking my level of confidence in Alan’s healing. 

Dr M

My first visit to ICU after Alan was put on a ventilator followed a rather testy time with the youngish doctor whom I will call Dr J. I had been invited to visit and expected to see Alan. There was a delay, followed by a doctor introducing himself as Dr J. That conversation, in fact that entire day is best kept vague, as I was in a haze.

A week later, I went to the hospital again, this time straight in without meeting with anyone. Alan was of course still unconscious. I stood by him, whispered to him, prayed for him, had snuck in anointing oil which I delicately and sparsely put upon him in no places of vulnerability. I even sang (very softly) to him one of his favourite songs, “Indian Love Call” by Slim Whitman. I was with him for 30 – 45 minutes before a friendly doctor I’d spoken to on the phone came along and said the consultant would like to sit with me. We were next to Alan’s bed.

The doctor had passed on my request that Alan have his vitamin D boosted.

The consultant Dr M and I had a lengthy conversation throughout which I was standing on God’s word to me that Alan would recover. Dr M did his best to answer various questions, confirmed that Alan could have his vitamin D boosted as it would do no harm, but attempted to persuade me that we really didn’t know if Alan would survive. I began, “If…” Then quickly interrupted myself with, “When… Alan is revived will he remain in ICU until he leaves hospital?” 

He had nearly brought me to a point of weakness or confusion, but he hadn’t quite managed it.


These consultants want to do their due diligence, their duty of care, both to patient and family. Most won’t understand faith at all. But for me, to stand on the truth of GOD was most important, for Alan’s sake, and I suppose for my own mental and spiritual health as well.

Dr C

The next week, after a phone conversation or two with Dr C I was invited to visit the hospital again. This time I actually met Dr C who said it was special to meet a family member in person because with Covid, it was rare, just as visits themselves were rare.

I was guided into a pleasant private waiting room. This hadn’t happened before so I asked if there was a particular reason I was drawn into a room with Dr C, as well as with another woman who did not give her name nor her role. Both assured me Alan’s condition was stable and to discuss anything in a private room was for my comfort and no other reason.

Dr C was warm and pleasant, as was the woman with him. We spoke for 15 – 20 minutes before I would see Alan. Dr C wanted me to know Alan’s condition was “on a knife edge”. I said with absolute confidence, “Alan will recover” and intimated I was saying that for his benefit, to encourage him. It was not for my benefit. 

This doctor encouraged faith and ventured to say “hope is a good thing”. That’s as far as he could go.

Doctors’ views versus my own

I think the longer Alan was in ICU in a horrible medical state, whilst I was praying at home with all vigour and a network of believers, the more confident I became that all would be well. And so I had the capacity in that meeting to have compassion on this doctor who was doing his best for the patient and also for the family member sitting in front of him.

I did not doubt. 

And when Alan came to consciousness some days later, I so would have enjoyed meeting this doctor again. I never did. But I do pray that he somehow recognises that Faith is real and powerful and worth living out through Jesus. 

Although Alan did not survive, he did revive. I am not playing with the LORD’s word to me. He did say, “Alan will recover” and Alan died. I don’t know what happened in between that led to Alan’s death, but I do know it was not for lack of faith of thousands who stood in the gap for us both.

Request

As time passes, I want to be sure I am composing and posting this general journey of Alan’s hospitalisation to those who are interested. I’d so value a comment or email which gives an indication. If no one is reading, that’s absolutely fine. But if there are those reading, I want to continue the story.

Every blessing.

Categories
Reflections and Poetry

Ministry of Love: a reflection

The Ministry of Love

The closer we get to Jesus, the less need we have of others. 

The less need we have, the more love we can give. 

Ministry is loving others as we love ourselves. 

Ministry is loving and being with others as Jesus is with us.

May we live, learn and love as Jesus. 

That’s our ultimate goal, 

achieved only through the love of GOD 

and the power of the Holy Spirit. 

Meditate on the Word of God, which is Jesus, and grow.

Love everyone as though in ministry, for we are always in ministry.

Always.

Hallelujah!