Category: For Mothers

A new category for Preparing the Bride is this stream for mothers. As a mother about to experience the proverbial “empty nest” and reminded by the LORD His passion for me to draw toward other mothers, I thought I’d start this stream. No time like the present. So here I come to you, the reading mum. GOD bless you:)

Categories
For Mothers

For Mothers: Freedom!

SONY DSC

The flip side to our devotion to our children is a necessary loss of freedom to care for them. We cannot put ourselves first and put our children first. Something has to give… Isn’t that right?

Freedom in perspective

As mothers, I believe we are pre-disposed to want the best for our children. We want them safe, healthy, educated, socially secure…. and free to be themselves, right?

But in our promotion for their well-being, sometimes we have to sacrifice our own, don’t we?

What is freedom?

Actually, I don’t think necessarily we have to sacrifice or give up our own freedom for our children. Rather, I think it depends more upon our attitude and our mindset, and first of all it depends upon how we define freedom.

Freedom of thought doesn’t have to change with motherhood.

Freedom of movement doesn’t have to change… necessarily. Can’t we take our children with us much of the time? (I learned how to clothes shop for myself super-quickly when my son was a baby! In the pram sleeping, or in the push chair strolling, he fit into the change room with me!:)

Freedom of expression can be found in our appreciation of music, art, literature… We might have less time for personal attention in these areas but we don’t have to give them up completely. In fact, I think it’s better not to…

Freedom of movement, freedom in ambition… Yes, some of this may have to change, if we are to have time to devote to the development of our children. But when there is a trade-off, to have the blessing of a child to care for is not a sacrifice. It is a choice. It is an opportunity. It is a responsibility, a challenge, a gift.

Parenting is such an opportunity, even to express freedom! Freedom from a day job, for some. Freedom from unwanted social demands or expectations, for others. Freedom to be what humanity is in part, prescribed to be, designed to be, in the main: to parent!

Mothers and freedom

Every choice we make is ours to make: freely.

When we work from that starting point, we can very quickly realise that we are free to be who we are in whatever circumstance we are in.

As an active parent, our time to ourselves might be more limited than before we were parents; however, being a parent is every bit an expression of ourselves and expressing ourselves through our hobbies, careers, interests, relationships. Being a parent is a relationship in itself, between us and our children. Each relationship in our lives is an expression of ourselves.

When you look at freedom and time and relationship from that perspective, we can realise that freedom may change but it is not lost.

Categories
For Mothers

For Mothers: Separation

Separation

For mothers, separation from our children can be stressful. We want our children to be safe and to learn independence as well. These two circumstances are important and healthy, but sometimes they seem contradictory. The days are gone when a young child can simply make his own way to his friend’s house or she can play in the local playground on her own. 

It’s sad to think children aren’t given the opportunities to stretch their independence as they used to, because it simply isn’t safe for them to be on their own. And yet, as they grow, our children need to learn how to be independent from parents.

And then they reach the pinnacle: leaving home! When the time comes for the first job or college or university some distance away, our young ladies and young men must strike out on their own.

How much can we expect them to keep in touch (or not)? And as mums, how much should we brave and bolster ourselves ahead of time, to prepare ourselves for the inevitable change we’re sure to meet the first time our offspring returns home after some weeks or months away?

This is where I’m at:

My son, as I’ve said in previous posts, is off to university in a couple this autumn. 

I want the best — the very best for him. I’m bracing myself for little communication, less information, and possibly a huge personality alteration.

I guess it’s good I’m aware of these possible changes, so that I can prepare myself and give room to my son to explore and express himself.

But I feel shaky at how on earth I’m going to feel when I see him after he’s experienced freshers’ week, campus life, physical freedom from external boundaries. My son is going off. Who will come back home again?

These are huge questions

I have no answers but I know I will manage.

How shall I cope? I am making two specific choices:

  1. I choose to trust my son, with the decisions he will make and
  2. I choose to trust what we, his mum and dad, have sown well and wisely into him over his life, so that he has the wisdom to make good decisions

I will have no control over his choices and as he’s an adult, nor should I. But therefore, the best thing I can do, for my own sanity and out of respect for him, is to trust him.

Separation may not be easy but when the time comes, trust and respect are the keys to help us to cope.

Categories
For Mothers

Advising other Mums

I’ve been a mum for 18 years. And a step mum for over 30 years. That means I know a bit about being a mother. I may not know a lot, but I do know a little.

So, when I see a new mum of a young one distressed… both the child and the mum distressed I mean… it’s hard to know whether to say anything to help or not. 

I mean, I may have the best of intentions but is it my place to say anything?

I think, regarding advising other mums, depends totally upon my relationship with the other mum. Have I been invited to advise? Have I even been invited to hold the baby? It’s too easy to see a problem and want to help. It’s important not to meddle or make things worse by sticking my nose in where it doesn’t belong.

But on the other hand, if I’m quite sure what I observe can be useful, it just might be a bit of advice or insight that’s helpful.

The most important thing is, can I sow love and encouragement? Or am I flaunting my opinion? Social media is full of opinion. Do I really need to offer mine?

Look inside first

Let’s examine our own hearts, to be sure we’re helpful, and then we might gently present our observations. Opinions: Nope! Observations: Maybe, but praying first… that the words we offer are life-giving and nurturing.

Mothers are fragile in some ways. We tend to feel vulnerable and want so much to help our children, no matter how much “experience” we have… don’t we? So let’s sow life, always. Let’s be the blessing our relationship with the other mum offers. And love, love, love. Then if there’s any time left, speak. Maybe. 

Proverbs 12:18 says, “There is one who speaks like the piercings of a sword, But the tongue of the wise promotes health.” Surely if that perspective is good enough for Solomon, it’s good enough for me.

Categories
For Mothers

For Mothers

Categories
For Mothers

For Mothers: Letting Go

It’s a theme that comes round every now and then…

Being a mother is a lesson in letting go! So this is a message for mothers letting go…..

“I surrender all to Jesus, all to Him I freely give…” goes the old hymn. “I surrender all, I surrender all. All to Him my blessed saviour, I surrender all.”

This commitment is from my heart. And here is a chapter of it…

Letting Go

Legally, parents are given the responsibility for the care and control of their children. 

There is quite an attack against this principle, with a move by some to limit the rights and role of parents. But so far, this basic principle still exists in the western world. 

Gradually, in the lifespan of a child, the parent encourages and allows a child to make his or her own decisions on age appropriate choices. Bit by bit, we release them to make choices: which juice? which outfit? which extra curricular activities.

Allowing children to make choices is part of the “letting go” process for us as mothers. Children need opportunities to make choices because this is how any of us learns how to weigh up information and how we develop healthy independence. Making decisions is part of growing up.

And letting go is part of mothering.

Off to university

My son is heading off to university soon. I’m excited for him. I’m also a little nervous, but that’s mostly for myself. He will make some mistakes but he’s sensible and it’s his time to set off on his own. As for me, I’ll be on my own for the first time in  about 40 years… my husband passed away a couple of years ago and now my son is off! So, here I will be, with Jesus, alone in the house.

What will life be like on my own?

The letting go process is just as much about my life as my son’s. Step by step I’ll make discoveries and adjustments. All is well. But I wanted to highlight this “season” for any of us who face major changes…. As mothers, let’s be aware that changes our children make effect us too. 

We need to let our young people go…. We celebrate with them as they venture into the world, trusting that we’ve trained them up and trust they will not depart from what they’ve learned* are right and true values. We need to find ourselves new focus and interests to continue to live a full and interesting life***. We need, once again, to surrender our children to GOD and our own lives to Him, so that our joy may be complete.

Letting go is a part of life, a part of parenting, a part of our journey toward the completion of the plans and purposes the LORD has for us all.**

Scriptures referenced: *Proverbs 22:6; **Jeremiah 29:11; ***James 4:8

Categories
For Mothers

Mothers: Running Interference

As parents, when are we helpful, nurturing and protective, and when are we interfering?

Mothers, we need to be running interference for our children but we also need to discern the circumstance: when we are helpful and encouraging v when we are simply interfering in our children’s lives.

By running interference I mean supporting and protecting their activities, decisions, friendships and their relationship with GOD. By interfering I mean controlling, dominating and preventing them room to make their own decisions.

A parent’s point of view

As a parent I’ve made mistakes. But my intention has always been to balance health and safety: physically, emotionally, spiritually with building confidence and independence in my child.

Of course the first consideration is the age of the child. Younger children need interference: Who is a good example for them and who is not? What is a suitable activity for their age and what is not? If they don’t feel like doing their homework, that isn’t relevant; they need to fulfil their part of the “education contract” which is to do their homework and show up to school with a good attitude.

But in older children, in some instances, they need our block, boundaries and discipline — especially if they are heading in a destructive direction.

“Train a child in the way he should go and when he grows up he will not depart from it.” – Proverbs 22:6

Letting go

When a child is moving toward adulthood, we need to allow them room, more and more, to make their own decisions. We can — and should offer advice. And we role model the principles we live by, sticking to our integrity rather than to compromise in order to prevent conflict. But we don’t sweat the small stuff!

Big issues v Small issues

For me, a big issue is whether my son is a decent human being: honest, kind, considerate, following Jesus. I encourage him to continue with studies of a sort because he’s capable academically. But what he studies, where or how is up to him. He happens to be interested in university, but even if he weren’t, I’d let that go. I have given advice on striving for excellence v wasting potential. But still, what he pursues and how must be left to him.

Running interference

I think this means being available to advise when asked, or advising even if not asked if we can see a cliff ahead. I think it means being unafraid to disagree or to insist on certain behaviour under my roof. I think it means being true to myself in order to be true to my child.

It’s food for thought and I welcome yours.

Every blessing,

Sarah

Categories
For Mothers

Hello Mums

SONY DSC

I’d like to say “Hello” to any mum that might come across this blog stream. “Hello Mums!”

By way of introduction, I’m Rev Dr Sarah Tun. I’m a mum as well as being a watchman of the LORD, an author, an intercessor. Here, I’ll be sharing from my viewpoint, issues and thoughts as a mother. My aim is to share: to open up you the reader to me, so we can get closer and learn together how GOD is moulding us, shaping us in our roles as mothers (which never ends regardless the age of the offspring, so I’m told).

So here we go….

Today’s topic: A Mother’s Conscience.

Here is the question:

Do we ever get things 100% right? And if we do, do we ever allow ourselves the pleasure of enjoying we have got something 100% right?

My quick answer is to say, “Nope.” On the whole as a group, I speculate that we never can quite allow ourselves, by nature of the care and concern our biology or psychology provides, to say, “Yup, I got that perfect!”

Do you disagree? If so, how about this:

Have you ever thought you got something absolutely right? And how does the frequency of that compare to your thinking you got something absolutely wrong?

Why is it that — as I reckon it anyway — that we are predisposed to sabotaging ourselves? Could it be because we are predisposed to encouraging others and putting ourselves last.

What do you think?

Whether we are Mary types or Martha types* (see Luke10:38-42), whether we rest at Jesus’ feet (once the children are fed and we manage to have a quiet moment) or run around constantly to make sure everything is done which we think needs to be done, ultimately, resting is not easy for us is it? And when we do enjoy it, how long does it take before we feel regret? Yes, we can enjoy Jesus but we are predisposed are we not, to have an eye on our family and feel we’ve let someone else down if we’ve rested too long or enjoyed ourselves too much.

What are your thoughts? Do you agree or disagree? Feel like sharing your story? Please do!